TV REVIEWS : ‘Family Dog’ Bows, No Wow

Like a patient recovering from an emergency appendectomy, anyone stuck watching the double-episode premiere of “Family Dog” (at 8 tonight on CBS, Channels 2 and 8) can take comfort in the fact that they should only have to endure it once. This dismal animated series gives new meaning to the phrase “what the dog dragged in.”

The original “Family Dog,” an offbeat spoof of Middle America, aired in 1987 as an episode of “Amazing Stories”; Brad Bird and his friend Tim Burton dreamed up the idea while they were students at CalArts. It focused on a put-upon little dog who belongs to the Binford family: a lumpish father, a whiny mother, a hellion of a boy and a bratty little girl. The show was quirky, original and funny.

Despite millions of dollars and input from some of Hollywood’s biggest names (Steven Spielberg and Burton are two of the executive producers), “Dog” is neither original nor funny. The animation looks stiff and the tasteless scripts by Dennis Klein, Paul Dini and Sherri Stone make “Married . . . With Children” sound like a Noel Coward play.

In the first episode, “Show Dog,” the running gag has the Binfords--even the 3-year-old--calling their wholesome neighbors (obviously copied from the Flanders family on “The Simpsons”) “buttheads.” In the even less amusing second half-hour, “Hot Dog at the Zoo,” the dog swallows the father’s wedding ring and later, uh, returns it. Rather than offend just white suburbanites, the writers have an East Indian zoo keeper declare, “If I find the owner of that dog, I let the hyenas make munchie of his tandoori!”

Things really hit rock bottom in an upcoming episode when the dog befriends a homeless woman by giving her the meat he’s taken from the family garbage can.

The program is clearly modeled after “The Simpsons,” but while Bart and his relatives often seem grotesque, they have weaknesses and a quirky affection for each other that keeps them likable. The Binfords are such utter clods, there’s no reason for anyone to like them.

The dog remains sympathetic, but the artists at the Nelvana and Wang studios can’t animate a mute character effectively, despite a budget of more than $1 million per episode (about four times what a half-hour of Saturday morning kidvid costs).

The real loser in this cartoon fiasco is the art of animation: Cancellation of the series will lead many television executives to dismiss the medium as unsuitable for prime time, save for the “fluke” that is “The Simpsons.” The problem with “Family Dog” isn’t that it’s animated, but that it’s terrible.