Barbie to Mike: Walk It Like You Talk It

She was waiting for me at the bar, killing time with Francisco the bartender. Check that: She was waiting on the bar, perched on a saltshaker and sipping Stolie on the rocks. The olive was bigger than her pretty plastic head.

Deputy Mayor Barbie, Mayor Riordan’s little blond aide from Mattel Corp., glanced at her watch and rebuked me with icy blue eyes.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said. “Got stuck behind the TV trucks at the Heidi arraignment.”

“This better not take long,” Barbie said. “Dick’s got a banquet tonight. I need to be back in his breast pocket to help him turn his quirks into quips.”

I fished the letter from Supervisor Mike Antonovich out of my pocket. He’d written it in response to a column a few weeks ago that described Deputy Mayor Barbie’s frustration with Riordan’s LAPD policy. She had urged him to finance more cops by endorsing a modest tax hike and by seeking LAX revenues. Mayor Riordan, of course, is banking solely on the airport bucks.

Although Antonovich addressed the note to me, it was obviously meant for Barbie.

Scott--You missed the point on taxes. Higher taxes make it difficult to attract jobs and investment!

*

Deputy Mayor Barbie glanced at the July 22 postmark and chuckled.

“He wouldn’t have dared send this a few days later,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you read your own paper? A couple days after Antonovich put this in the mail, The Times ran that article about the size and cost of the supervisors’ staffs. For such a great defender of the taxpayer, Mike sure loves to spend our money.”

You’d be amazed at the stuff Barbie crams inside her tiny briefcase. She reached inside and, voila, produced a copy of the July 26 article by Frederick M. Muir. It included this telling quote from Larry J. Monteilh, executive officer of the board: “In the past, they just expressed their needs and we put it in the budget.”

The supervisor with the biggest payroll--by far--is Mike Antonovich. This Republican politician employs 37 staffers who last year cost taxpayers $1.85 million. By contrast, Gloria Molina, a liberal Democrat, has 22 staffers and a payroll of $989,045. “Her staff serves the same number of constituents--for half the price,” Barbie pointed out.

It just so happened I had chatted with Dawson Oppenheimer, Antonovich’s press aide. “You’re not being fair,” I told Barbie. “Antonovich’s budget is the largest because his district covers 70% of the county!”

“Right,” she said. “And three-quarters of it is national forest.”

“But Molina only needs two field offices,” I countered. “Antonovich’s district is so spread out he needs five. He’s got offices in Chatsworth, Santa Clarita, Lancaster, Pasadena and San Dimas!”

“That’s an excellent argument for increasing the number of supervisors from five to nine,” Barbie replied coolly. “But the fact is Deane Dana has five field offices too. Yet he gets by with 12 fewer employees and a payroll that is $500,000 less than Antonovich.”

I pointed out that Antonovich has a veteran staff that has earned its pay raises. “That’s why Antonovich and Ed Edelman each have 16 aides making more than 50 grand per year. Mike’s top deputy, Tom Silver, makes $107,000! You get what you pay for, right?”

Barbie lifted the olive with both hands and nibbled thoughtfully.

“Say what you will,” she said, “but when I think about Antonovich’s fiefdom, it reminds me of the fat-cat privileges that the old board just loved.

“Antonovich is right in step with those Reagan Republicans who ran up the national debt,” she said. “When Republicans ruled the supes, they cut social programs even as they pampered themselves and top officials with bulletproof cars, gourmet meals, remodeled offices, open-ended expense accounts and padded pensions.”

“Well,” I muttered, “I heard that stuff was blown out of proportion.”

She gave me that blank look of hers.

“Why,” she asked, “did we have to wait for Molina to made a big stink about the board’s spending habits? Why didn’t Mike, the taxpayers’ pal, stop all the perks?”

*

We walked out together. Barbie had just about convinced me that the new, slash-and-burn budget was fairer as far as the supes’ staffing is concerned. Each will have $1.3 million for salaries and whatnot, which is painful news for Antonovich’s staff.

The valet pulled Barbie’s little red sports car out of his pocket.

“You know, I just wanted a sure-fire way to pay for more police,” Barbie said. “Mike thinks taxes discourage investment. Well, so does crime. So does an inadequate police force.

“Nobody likes taxes. But everybody likes to get their money’s worth,” she added. “I think Mike missed the point.”