Fear Spins Out : Stock Car Driver Burdett Overcomes Stigma and Reveals He Has HIV

When Steve Burdett coasted his sportsman stock car into the pits midway through the second of two 50-lap main events one recent Saturday night at Saugus Speedway, his exit from the race officially was blamed on a flat tire.

Truth be told, he had run out of gas.

Burdett climbed from his orange and white Chevrolet Lumina “and just dropped on the spot,” said Henry Miles, the car’s owner.

For Burdett, 30, a popular 10-year Saugus veteran, the evening had been an incredible strain, physically and emotionally.

Physically, because nearly every task in his life is a strain. Emotionally, because throughout the evening, friends, fans and assorted well-wishers had approached Burdett in the pits, many of them embracing the driver with tears in their eyes.

Burdett wept along with them.

The truth finally had been told, relieving Burdett of a tremendous burden.

Earlier in the evening, in a full-page, open letter in the Saugus Speedway racing program, Burdett told the crowd of more than 4,600 that more than two years ago he had tested positive for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. And although it was not mentioned in the letter, Burdett recently had begun to acknowledge to his racing competitors that he is gay.

Finally, he felt at peace.

“I went home and I laid awake and cried all night,” said Burdett, who does not have AIDS but is often fatigued by the virus. “But it was kind of a happy cry because I had finally taken the bull by the horns. I just wanted to square up the issue. It was all going around in a rumor. I wanted to say: ‘Yeah, it’s true. Does anybody have a problem with that? Please let me know.’ ”

Burdett, son of a Saugus Speedway driver, anguished for nearly three seasons about whether to go public. A man wrestling with his sexual identity isn’t likely to find comfort in an arena that encourages winners to pose for photographs with young women called trophy queens.

Putting it more bluntly, sportsman points leader Pat Mintey Jr. of Quartz Hill said: “The racing world pretty much is made up of a bunch of rednecks.”

Track officials and paramedics had known that Burdett had tested positive almost from the time Burdett himself learned in the spring of 1991. But Burdett, who said he had engaged in “a few” homosexual activities, had not yet admitted even to himself that he was gay. He intended to maintain his privacy.

“There were always rumors going around about the illness and this and that,” said Miles, who has been friends with Burdett since 1982. “One day he pretty much broke down and told me everything. But the majority of the people out there didn’t know.”

As time passed, Burdett, who lives in West Hollywood with a male companion, realized he was losing the battle. But he wanted to do his part in the fight against AIDS. He decided to write the letter, then approached Ray Wilkings, the promoter at Saugus.

“I want to stress that I didn’t do this to clear up the rumors--even though that was satisfied by doing it,” Burdett said. “The real reason is that I live in a neighborhood where there is a lot of AIDS and a lot of people dying.

“They’re gay, they’re straight, they’re black, they’re yellow. They’re human beings. And they’re dying because they weren’t educated to avoid this.

“I care about people. I’ve seen too many straight people at the doctor’s office. I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of babies. There’s a 60-year-old Chinese lady. There’s a Marine. They look to me like ordinary people, the same people I see at Saugus Speedway.”

Burdett says he has encountered no hostility at the track.

“None,” he said, emphatically.

And the warm reception he received the night the letter was published overwhelmed him.

Loren Spangler of Northridge, who raced against Bob Burdett, Steve’s father, in the 1970s, said he learned of Steve Burdett’s situation “through the grapevine.” Burdett soon came to confide in Spangler.

“I think he was a little surprised that everybody kind of treated him like nothing was different,” said Spangler, whose son, Keith, had been a sportsman competitor before joining the NASCAR Southwest Tour this season. “I could understand his fears and thoughts and his being very afraid.”

Wilkings had had similar apprehensions about the reaction Burdett might encounter at the track.

“Frankly, I was a little surprised--because of the egos in the sportsman division--that he didn’t encounter more prejudice,” Wilkings said. “It’s nice to know that he didn’t. It didn’t matter to some people. And if it did to others, they didn’t say anything.”

Said Burdett: “I had to find out for myself. I took a chance and I didn’t know if it would work. I didn’t have a guarantee that everyone was going to accept me. These people are my friends and I didn’t want to lose the relationship I had with the racing community.”

Burdett became interested in racing early, watching from the stands at Saugus when his father raced. He works as an alignment specialist in a Hollywood service shop. He began building engines almost from the moment he learned to drive, joining the modified class in 1984.

Although Burdett has never won a main event or finished higher than 11th in points for the season, he has been a formidable competitor since joining the sportsman class in 1986.

Yet despite feeling at home behind the wheel, Burdett noticed a difference between himself and other male racers.

“I was very confused about who I was,” he said. “For a while, I didn’t accept that I was gay. I lived in the closet until I was 28 years old, pretending I was someone I’m not. Racing was a very good cover: ‘Here’s a picture of me. I’m a race car driver.’ ”

Between races, Burdett noticed other drivers enjoying the company of admiring female fans. During the 1990 season, Burdett himself became the object of affection of an attractive young woman.

Friends were envious. Burdett was uncomfortable and felt pressured. He eventually became involved with the woman, despite his constant confusion.

“On the one hand, I had my whole crew saying, ‘Look at this gorgeous girl picking up on Steve,’ and on the other hand, I was still lonely for somebody and I said, ‘I’ll give it a try,’ ” Burdett said. “I tried to fall in love with her, but it was impossible and I was miserable.”

In early 1991, Burdett was working around the clock, trying to finish building a new car in time for the season opener. Severe fatigue led to a case of shingles, a visit to the doctor and an AIDS test.

Burdett learned the results the day before the season began. The next night, he qualified eighth while driving the new car for the first time. But he competed sparingly that season and has not run a full season since.

“I didn’t want to live,” he said. “I tried to kill myself but I couldn’t, I tried to go to sleep with a bag tied around my head.”

Nor could he convince his girlfriend that he was telling the truth about his AIDS test and his homosexuality. When the message finally got across, she got angry and told track officials about his illness against his wishes.

Burdett and his girlfriend finally broke up. She tested negative for HIV, Burdett said, but he has lost contact with her.

“It was mean what she did,” he said. “But she forced me to accept who I am and get on with my life.”

Word reached Wilkings, who called a meeting with Burdett and insisted that track paramedics be informed of his condition.

“He wasn’t ready for it,” Wilkings said. “We didn’t care about whether he was gay or not. We approached the subject very clinically.”

Burdett agreed under the condition that no one else would be told. Only recently did Burdett decide the time had come to speak up.

His message is for others in his situation to do the same.

“The homophobia thing makes people not want to admit that they’re gay when they really are and it (leads) to situations that are dangerous,” Burdett said. “In the gay community, people will automatically alert you that AIDS is very dangerous. You become educated when you accept who you are and admit you’re gay.”

Acceptance has come slowly in some areas. Burdett said that his father has been understanding but that his mother has struggled with the issue. Burdett is trying to mend a strained relationship. Burdett’s parents, who divorced when Steve was a toddler, were in the stands Saturday night.

In the pits, Burdett has sensed “a tick of cold shoulder” here and there. “That’s OK,” he said. “I am who I am.”

Members of his crew have sensed more.

“I’ve had a little sarcasm thrown my way but I’ve kind of shrugged that off,” Miles said. “There are a couple of people--I don’t want to mention any names--and you can tell by their actions and the way they talk. The majority of the people out there have been friends with Steve for some time and they continue to be friends.”

Mintey described the relationship among sportsman drivers as tight. And Burdett is one of them.

“I think everybody out there has a sense of competition, but when the chips are down, everybody would be there in a heartbeat for him,” Mintey said. “He really needs to feel like a champion right now. When I saw him go off the other night, I thought, ‘That’s the last time I’ll see him on the track.’ ”

That day will come. Burdett has raced in only a few main events this season and describes himself as semi-retired.

“Physically, I’m not able to be a front-runner right now,” Burdett said. “It becomes very hard to do my job and race. That’s why I have to back off. But I’ll drive again. I want to win a main event before I die.”