Nothing’s Comical About This Team

THE COLLEGES

B.C., the funny football team (not the funny comic strip), took over the Bottom Ten lead after a stunning 21-22 loss to Northwestern, the Big Eleven’s perennial doormat. Previously top-ranked Houston (0-2) was idle but dropped to No. 2 on the strength of a touchdown that the team scored in an intrasquad game. But the big disclosure from the Bottom Ten officials was that they might go to three divisions in the manner of major league baseball. If such a plan were in effect now, B.C., Houston (0-2) and San Jose State (0-3) would all have the No. 1 rankings that those flowerhouses deserve.

B.C. (0-2), by the way, was ranked 19th in AP’s Top 25 preseason poll, proving that the AP voters have a sense of humor, too.

UCLA, though a one-point loser to Nebraska, fell only to No. 10 in the Bottom Ten, whose primitive computer (unfortunately for the Bruins) cannot take into account strength of opponents.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. B.C. (0-2) 21-22, Northwestern Temple 2. Houston (0-2) Idle Michigan 3. Maryland (0-3) 37-42, W Va Virginia Tech 4. San Jose State (0-3) 25-36, Wyoming Cal 5. Miss State (0-2) Idle Tulane 6. Temple (1-1) 0-58, Cal B.C. 7. Arkansas State (0-3) 7-23, N. Illinois S.Illinois 8. Missouri (1-1) 0-73, Texas A$M W. Virginia 9. Illinois (0-2) 14-16, Arizona Oregon 10. UCLA (0-2) 13-14, Nebraska Stanford

11. Texas (0-1-1); 12. New Mexico (0-3); 13. Columbia (0-1); 14. Dartmouth (0-1); 15. Cornell (0-1); 16. USC (1-2); 17. SMU (0-2); 18. Nevada (Circus Circus) (1-2); 19. Idle; 20. The makers of the Notre Dame football movie, “Rudy,” who acknowledged that they fictionalized the script to make former Irish coach Dan Devine a villain.

Invading the Bottom Ten’s turf: USA Today TV sports critic Rudy Martzke gave an award for “best feature” of the weekend to “ESPN’s Mark Schwarz on the decline of UCLA football.”

And the world holds its breath: Penn State QB John Sacca, upon being benched after a one-for-six passing start: “I have to wonder if John Sacca’s future is with the Penn State Nittany Lions. I have to go home and think about it.”

THE PROS

Sunday was not a fun day for Olde England Coach Bill Parcells. Not only did the Patsies absorb their third consecutive defeat, but Parcells was involved in a minor traffic accident on the way home. “It’s nothing,” Parcells said of the accident.

The same could be said of the team’s rushing defense, which has seen an opposing runner gain more than 100 yards in three consecutive games, including 174 by the Seattle’s Chris Warren on Sunday. Even playing at home, the Patsies managed to lose to Seattle, 14-17.

Offense is the problem in Cincinnati (0-3), which is racking up points at an average of nine per game while living up to its Bungles nickname.

Elsewhere, Denver’s defensive team is feared for a special reason--lineman Darren Drozdov. It seems that Drozdov has a problem of throwing up on the field during games. Rather than capitalize on this weapon, the Broncos say they are sending him to a psychiatrist.

The rankings:

CRUMMIEST MERCHANDISE

NFL Rank, Team Percentage of market* 28. Phoenix 0.2% 27. Indianapolis 0.4% 26. Tampa Bay 0.4% 25. Rams 0.5% 24. Seattle 0.5%

*Percentage of merchandise sold by NFL Properties through July (Dallas was first with 30.1%).

SCORING MACHINES

Offender, Record Points Per Game 1. Tampa Bay (0-2) 5.0 2. Minnesota (1-1) 8.5 3. Cincinnati (0-3) 9.0 4. Chicago (0-2) 13.5 5. Carney (2-1) 13.6*

*San Diego kicker has 13 field goals, two PATs this season.

THAT PARCELLS MAGIC

Olde England Coach (Year) Record After 3 Games 1. MacPherson (1992) 0-3 2. Parcells (1993) 0-3

Crummy Game of the Week: Bay (Tampa) (0-2) at Chicago (0-2). Quotebook: NBC’s Charlie Jones, noting the set of headphones worn by Jack Pardee, coach of floundering (1-2) Oilers: “As Tank McNamara would say, it’s plugged into an FM station.”