‘Dear Rosey, Dear Rosey, You Won’t...

Dear Abby she’s not. But then again, Dear Abby isn’t building a mansion or serving up loose-meat sandwiches at her own diner like Roseanne Arnold.

In between winning an Emmy for “Roseanne” and owning one of the busiest eateries around, Roseanne is dispensing advice in her “Dear Rosey” column in the five Iowa weeklies she and her husband, Tom Arnold, bought in August.

What qualifies Roseanne to be the Dear Abby of southeastern Iowa, one reader wanted to know.

“Shut up, loser!” Rosey responded in a most un-Abby-like way.

Mixed in with church happenings, who ate dinner at whose house and tips for how to dress safely for harvest are “Dear Rosey’s” pearls of wisdom:

* To a 15-year-old who fears she’s a lesbian: “Confusion and crushes on other girls are perfectly normal at your age. . . . Others may tell you different, but being a lesbian is OK! In general, they are great people!”

* To a woman who doesn’t know what to do about her husband’s philandering, Dear Rosey suggests giving hubby one more chance or going with him to therapy. “However, if your husband does it again . . . drop him like a hot potato!”

* To a new business owner who was billed by a city crew that had to clean up dirt left in the road from construction: “Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa!!! Stop being a slob!”

“I think she writes good columns. She’s got a good sense of humor, but she gives good advice, too, for some of the serious ones,” Pam Pilchea said. “Of course, she owns the paper, so she can write whatever way she wants.”

In the same brusque, earthy way “Roseanne” grew on audiences, Roseanne is beginning to grow on this town of 1,255.

Literally.

In addition to opening the 50-seat Roseanne and Tom’s Big Food Diner last February, the Arnolds are building a $12-million mansion they call Serenity.

Tom grew up in nearby Ottumwa, Roseanne in Salt Lake City.

“She’s a lot nicer than what you might think. They’re fine people and the town is thrilled to have them,” said Bill Helmick, who lives across the road from the 23,000-square-foot house just outside town.

As for the diner, the Arnolds have added 25 seats so people can chow down on loose-meat sandwiches (a ground beef-and-sauce concoction similar to a Sloppy Joe) and Mama Rosey’s homemade pizza and pies. They can also gawk at show-biz pictures on the walls, and will be able to get a peek at Roseanne’s Emmy as soon as a display case arrives.

Once in a while, the Arnolds drop in from Hollywood and actually sling hash.

And to think Eldon’s previous claim to fame was as the home of the white house with the pointed-arch window that inspired the Grant Wood painting “American Gothic.”

“Dear Rosey”--and an occasional rambling column by Tom--are becoming one of the most popular items in the Batavia Beacon-Eldon Forum, Fremont Gazette, Eddyville Tribune, Hedrick Journal and New Sharon Star.

The newspapers’ publisher is Chris Arnold, Tom’s brother. He sends Roseanne the letters; she writes her advice on the bottom of the ones that are to be published and sends them back.

In Eldon, people usually buy the paper after lunch at the Arnolds’ diner, the cafe or the Amoco station.

“They’re enjoyable to read. I imagine people open it right up,” said Tom Allman, 40, who has lived in Eldon all his life.

Lorraine Myers, nicknamed “Rhubarb” because her Massachusetts accent prevents her from saying the word properly, said: “I think she’s funny. I think it’s catching on. It’s given the town a real boost.”