She Could Become Pele of Britain’s Royal Family

Downey’s California:

--The same London paper that photographed Princess Diana doing her workout is now offering $15,000 to each member of Poland’s soccer team if it helps England qualify for the World Cup. What cheap, cheap journalism this is. My paper has a standing offer of 20 grand to Diana if she plays for Poland in the World Cup.

--She’s fit, she’s rested, she’s ready.

--The Thighmaster. Infotainment commercials. Princess Diana. The Di-Master. It could happen.

--Did you see those powder-blue workout clothes of hers? Must be for UCLA.

--I like UCLA to beat USC this Saturday, but USC to win their rematch on New Year’s Day.

--What? Oh, never mind, then.

--Iraq or Iran coming to Pasadena to play doesn’t worry me half as much as Wisconsin.

--Roses are red, losers are blue. It all depends, what Morton and Stokes do.

--In case USC loses, I have these four words of advice: Say No to Fresno.

--By the way, in their 2006 and 2007 dates, UCLA will kick Notre Dame’s butt.

--Earth to voters. Earth to voters. The No. 2 team in the national rankings should be spelled N-E-B-R-A-S-K-A.

--Even Dan Quayle knows that the name of the No. 2 team shouldn’t end with an E.

--I’ve seen both teams. Nebraska could husk Florida State’s corn.

--Florida State’s players swore they could beat any team, any time, any day, any place. Now they say all they need is a neutral field.

--Call back when you’ve won something.

--Notre Dame’s people would have worn Florida State caps to practice if anybody knew where you could buy Florida State caps.

--Who’s been voted Tournament of Fiesta queen?

--True story: Irish linebacker Pete Bercich, filling out a form, wrote after Best Players I’ve Ever Played Against: “Gary Player (golfer).”

--Inside Sunday’s paper, NFL players not injured will be listed.

--Football teams that began this season 0-2 include the Dallas Cowboys, the Pittsburgh Steelers and UCLA. See? The cocky Rams actually killed themselves with that 1-1 start.

--Four words of advice for the Rams if the Cincinnati Bengals don’t say them first: Heath Shuler, quarterback, Tennessee.

--Jim Everett to Cleveland for a draft pick. Jim Everett to Miami for a draft pick. Jim Everett to Buffalo for a draft pick. Not later. Now.

--Good for the Rams, good for Jim.

--Toronto’s new basketball franchise will use 150-foot courts, five-point shots and 25-second clocks.

--I had a dream where Bill Laimbeer did his hair like Dennis Rodman’s.

--I had a dream where Disney made a movie about Jamaican Ducks.

--I had a dream where Shaquille O’Neal sang on Arsenio Hall’s show and accidentally brought the house down.

--No matter what happens to him next, Trevor Wilson can tell his grandchildren that on opening night in the NBA, 1993, playing for the Lakers, he outscored Dan Majerle, Terry Porter, Anfernee Hardaway, Shawn Bradley, Harold Miner, Toni Kukoc, Bobby Hurley, Jeff Malone, Stanley Roberts, Larry Nance, Steve Smith, LaPhonso Ellis, Hot Rod Williams, Kevin Duckworth, Sherman Douglas, Charles Smith and a few dozen others. I looked it up.

--Oh, dear. Hockey without qualified referees. How will they ever keep the game under control?