Michael Vanishes, So Does Judgment : Television: What words describe news coverage of the besieged singer? Ludicrous, scummy and excessive come to mind.

It’s crazy, it’s bizarre, it’s astounding, it’s shameful, it’s disgraceful, it’s a dangerous admission to make. But here goes anyway:

I DON’T CARE WHERE MICHAEL JACKSON IS!!!!

Others do care desperately, however. So if you’ve seen Jackson lately, or know where he is, your favorite television news team will rush a camera crew to your house and put you on the air live . If you’ve run into Elvis anywhere, mention that, too. And by the way, has anyone seen John Belushi?

Oh, brother.

Television stations and their operatives have used hyperbole in attempting to justify their current obsession with the location of the secretive Jackson, who--let’s continue to remember--has not been criminally charged with anything. Zilch. Zero.

This week, for example, KNBC-TV Channel 4 reported with a straight face that Jackson’s whereabouts were “the talk of Europe.” Well, at least the talk of intrepid celebrity snoop Garrett Glaser.

Glaser is the “Entertainment Tonight” reporter who fronted Channel 4’s cynically hollow series on Oprah Winfrey last week. This week, though, Channel 4 has been relying on him for its global perspective of the far-flung Jackson saga, as Glaser and like-minded media worms have been in London slithering after rumors that the troubled performer is there getting treatment for his reported addiction to painkillers.

On Wednesday, Glaser’s shrewd investigation took him to a London news rack.

The papers he saw carried scandalous stories purporting to describe Jackson’s anti-drug treatment in London, and it wasn’t pretty. Always the scrupulous observer, Glaser noted that these papers were tabloids, the implication being that they had no credibility.

Well, naturally, Glaser was horrified by the scurrilous headlines spread out before him, so much so that he immediately began reading from one of the tabloids: “Michael Jackson has been left a zombie. . . .”

Speaking of zombies. . . .

When most of our local stations preempt daytime programming for live coverage of a press conference by Jackson’s attorneys, as they did Monday (KABC-TV Channel 7, KCAL-TV Channel 9 and KCOP-TV Channel 13 being the exceptions), you’re forced to conclude that TV newsrooms have undergone mass lobotomies.

One of Jackson’s attorneys contended that, due to his reported drug addiction, the entertainer has been “barely able to function at an intellectual level.” Whether that’s true isn’t known. But the description certainly fits some of those covering the Jackson story.

Local news coverage of the absent-without-media-permission Jackson has often been so ludicrous and scummy, to say nothing of excessive, that it’s hard to know where to dig in. But try here:

Hot on the genitalia beat, KNBC’s Conan Nolan reported at the top of that station’s 5 p.m. newscast Monday that “Channel 4 has learned” that the 13-year-old boy who says Jackson sexually molested him allegedly could identify distinctive markings on Jackson’s private parts. For substantiation, Channel 4 then cut to videotape of a press conference where Jackson’s criminal attorney, Howard Weitzman, responded to a question concerning this topic.

A question asked by Harvey Levin of KCBS-TV Channel 2.

Levin had already disclosed this “development” on his own station that morning. Thus, in its defense, Channel 4 wasn’t fibbing. It had indeed “learned” about it.

From Channel 2.

Channel 4 got another break Thursday when its source, Channel 2, reported at the end of its noon newscast that the district attorney’s office had “demanded that Jackson submit photos of his genitals.” The only question was whether Channel 4 had learned this from Channel 2 to report it on its own newscast.

And speaking of learning. . . .

It’s become obvious that despite its increasingly flashy tabloid noises and graphics under news director Mark Hoffman’s tainted policies, Channel 4 has a severe learning disorder when it comes to news. Or to put it euphemistically, its newscasts are journalistically challenged.

At 5 p.m. Wednesday, as KABC-TV Channel 7 and KCBS-TV Channel 2 were properly leading their newscasts with the critically important, soon-to-be-voted-on North American Free Trade Agreement, for example, Channel 4 employed its own specialized news judgment.

It topped its newscast with another heavy dose of Michael Jackson.

KNBC came to its senses at 6, elevating Jess Marlow’s NAFTA report from Washington above Jackson. But its shrilly bannered Jackson skinny at 5 p.m. concerned a “photo of a nude boy” that police had allegedly discovered. On Tuesday, Channel 2 had breathlessly delivered its own “exclusive” report on that topic, describing it as “shocking.” But on Wednesday, Channel 4’s Phil Shuman said his own station “broke this story” last August.

Just who is being honest here? What about those rumors of . . . distinctive markings on Shuman’s private notes and the existence of, yes, videotapes, in Channel 4’s newsroom? And is it true, as some have hinted, that the whereabouts of newscast integrity is the talk of Los Angeles?

Meanwhile, stay tuned for the next shocking revelation in this case, Michael Jackson’s. . . .

PHOTOS OF NUDE ANIMALS!