Testimony : ONE PERSON’S STORY ABOUT THE WAR ON AIDS : ‘The Black Community Is Just Feeling Overwhelmed’

When I was 10 years old and my grandfather died, I remember my mother coming into my room when I was on my bed crying. She said that it is all right to be sad that my grandfather had died but that I shouldn’t cry too much, that I should remember that my grandfather had lived a full life and that he had made a difference.

I think about the fact that in all probability someday my mother is going to find herself sitting on the foot of the bed of my nephews or my nieces and I hope that she feels comfortable enough to say to them that they should not cry too much because their uncle lived a full life and that he made a difference. I think that that drives me a lot.

I grew up in a lower middle class suburban neighborhood on the south side of Chicago. Part of the ‘60s migration when people moved into bedroom communities. My father is a truck driver and my mother was a banker. I have one sister and two brothers. I have been open and out about being a gay man and they have been supportive of who I am. They have known about my HIV status since 1988. In our family, unconditional love is very important and we try to live that.

Being black and gay and with AIDS, to paraphrase James Baldwin, I hit the jackpot. What this has crystallized for me is how powerful a force racism and homophobia can be when they join together.

The truth is that we look at how the HIV pandemic has spread through both this country and the world and it didn’t have to happen. It could have been prevented and it happened because as a society we decided on some sick fundamental level that gay men were disposable. We decided that people of color are disposable and as a result of that everyone is at risk now. When the disease--even in this country--spread beyond white gay men, the people who it infected were primarily African-American or Latino.

And so we had basically three (presidential) administrations that virtually did nothing. They actually allowed people to die and it was malicious neglect. They sat there, and it looked like they said, “Well you know it is OK if this group dies, we don’t need to do anything yet. It is OK if that group dies.” And that is really a tragic commentary.

Yes, I am very angry. But it is not enough, it is not sufficient. It doesn’t get the job done. And in 1993 I have to focus on marshaling my energies to get the job done. The people we take care of need us to do that. I have to tap into all of my resources.

I think the homophobia in the black community really has contributed a lot to the spread of AIDS. It is more than the homophobia. I think the black community is just feeling overwhelmed. Because when AIDS comes to the black community, violence doesn’t go away, unemployment doesn’t go away, poverty doesn’t go away, high blood pressure doesn’t go away, infant mortality rates don’t go down. And at the same time their resources are not expanding sufficiently to take on these additional challenges facing the community.

There certainly have been class and race issues among the traditional AIDS and HIV providers. Many of these people responded to AIDS because their best friends got sick. And they built institutions anticipating that those institutions would serve their needs, so the structure of the initial fight against AIDS was really designed around taking care of people who look like them, that have the same experience as them, who are of the same socioeconomic class as them. And so it was easy to take care of people, not easy, but easier to take care of people with AIDS when you were a white gay man and the person you were taking care of was a white gay man.

It is more difficult when the people don’t look like you and they don’t come from the same socioeconomic class and in some cases they don’t particularly have an affection for you. And in other circumstances they are not people that you would normally interact with. It is a greater challenge. At the same time, I think that a lot of white gay men are fearful that the resources will shift to other communities and when they get sick the resources won’t be there to take care of them.

It is absurd that people even have to think about competition for health resources. It is more than absurd. It is probably criminal that someone has to consider, will the resources be there for me when I get sick? Or they have to commit energy to holding back resources from someone else so that they can make sure of the resources for themselves.

I am absolutely convinced that the HIV pandemic will end. I have to believe that. It is what gets me up every morning, it is what keeps me going.

I look at it as a war. And I guess the thing that I want to ask people--particularly those people who are going to be around to see the day when AIDS is over--someone is going to walk up to them and say, “What did you do during the war, what role did you play, were you a good guy or were you a bad guy.”

I believe that there are no conscientious objectors in this battle. The good guys are the people who did something, who contributed in some way to fight this deadly virus. And the bad guys are the people who sat back and watched it happen.

I don’t think victory will come in time for me. Absolutely not. Now I have AIDS. My health is actually fine. I’ve been in the hospital once and so I count myself to be very lucky. I’ve been working in the fight against AIDS for a decade now.

For people living with AIDS and HIV, it is a race against the clock. There is no drug that is being used today that is a cure. I know too much to be optimistic that that is going to happen for me. But it will happen for a lot of people, and right now that has to be enough to keep me going. I’m just one player among a whole host of people who are working to this end and I just try to do the piece that I can do.

I find that by and large I get a warm reception when I meet people. It is difficult to hate one-on-one. When there is a real live human being looking you in the eye, it is difficult to hate on that level. And so I am convinced that the hate-mongers and the people who think it is OK to beat up on gays and lesbians or to discriminate against people with AIDS and HIV, that they can feel that and they can think that only because they have not met us. They don’t have people like us in their lives.

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