It May Be Hot Down There, but Melrose Would Stay Cool as Ice

Columnist Al Strachan of the Toronto Globe and Mail recently poked fun at King Coach Barry Melrose’s hyper-positive attitude.

Wrote Strachan: “If Barry Melrose awoke some day and found himself in hell, he would grin with delight and run out to buy marshmallows.”

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Add Strachan: The columnist was more pointed in his views of the moves of King President Roy Mlakar and General Manager Nick Beverley.

“It would seem that most of the mental mistakes in this organization have been made by the front office,” Strachan wrote. “Fans can’t figure out--and have yet to have it suitably explained to them--why the Kings traded away Paul Coffey to get (Jimmy) Carson.”

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Last add Strachan: In another column, he took NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman to task over his handling of the league’s officials during and after their 17-day strike.

“In recent weeks, NHL referees have no doubt learned a lot about Commissioner Gary Bettman. . . .

“They have learned, for instance, that Bettman makes up the rules as he goes along. Late last week, without any warning, he arbitrarily removed a standard of travel that was so entrenched that no one had even bothered to write it down.

“At the same time, he decreed that, in his mind, NHL officials live a nine-month year, thereby following in the footsteps of Pope Gregory XIII, (who) revised the calendar in his favor.”

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Trivia time: Who is the University of Michigan’s all-time rebound leader?

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He had to ask: Alan Solomon of the Chicago Tribune sought to know why Cy Young winner Jack McDowell temporarily lightened the color of his hair.

Replied McDowell: “Because I’ve always wanted it. And because I had the option to, you know?”

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Root of the problem: Mountain biker Sue Fish, telling Velo News why she avoids cross-country racing: “To me, it’s like getting four root canals all at once--long, drawn-out agony.”

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Knocking Arizona: Noting Arizona’s failure to get past the first round in the NCAA basketball tournament the last two years, Wendell Barnhouse of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram writes: “The joke in Tucson is the bar business is down because patrons leave after one round.”

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Tough crowd: The U.S. Davis Cup team’s opening match for 1994--against India at New Delhi in March--brings back memories for Dennis Ralston, who played Davis Cup for the United States at New Delhi 30 years ago.

“We played on cow manure before 7,000 Indians,” Ralston told Mark McDonald of the Dallas Morning News. “I won both my matches, and we beat them, 5-0, but they were screaming, ‘Double fault, Dennis!’ ”

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Fore: Golf balls are pelting rooftops, windows and cars at apartments near the Costa Mesa Golf and Country Club, causing an uproar among residents, according to the Daily Pilot.

Karl Fristed, who manages some of the apartments, said he has collected several hundred balls in three years.

“I’m surprised I’ve never been hit,” he said.

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Trivia answer: Rudy Tomjanovich, currently coach of the Houston Rockets.

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Quotebook: Woody Allen, on 7-foot-7 center Manute Bol of the Miami Heat: “Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.”