RELATIONSHIPS : Travelers’ Checks : From Seeing the Same Movies to Phoning Daily, O.C. Couples Deal With Being Apart

Christa Gefke is just getting a chance to catch her breath. Between September and December, the mother of a 3- and 5-year-old traveled on business for 5 1/2 weeks, three of those overseas. Her husband’s out-of-town schedule has been just as busy.

Such traveling is nothing new for the Gefkes, who own a sound system manufacturing company in Irvine and find frequent travel at certain times of the year critical to business success.

Sometimes the Gefkes travel together, but most of the time one stays in Orange County to run the office and tend to the children in their Mission Viejo home.

In many ways, the Gefkes see their traveling as a positive. Still, it has its downside, including the fact that traveling is as exhausting as keeping things moving at home.

The Gefkes are among many couples who have learned to adjust their relationships and households to accommodate a lot of work-related travel.

Leaving home on a continual basis throws a new dynamic into a relationship, says psychologist Patricia Thomas Crane, who is director of behavioral health at Bristol Park Medical Group in Irvine.

“Although traveling isn’t necessarily a bad thing, constant traveling can create challenging situations,” Crane says. “For the couple already having problems, the strain of constant travel can make things worse. And even for the couple doing well, traveling invariably causes some stress.”

A major source of tension when one spouse travels often is that the division of labor can become askew, Crane says. All of the domestic responsibilities and obligations tend to fall on the person at home.

And, because couples have less time together when one spouse travels, there is also the potential that the relationship won’t get enough attention.

Many couples who know traveling as a way of life adjust well, however, and some find that there are benefits to being separated.

“For some couples, traveling injects unpredictability and excitement into the relationship, which they find appealing,” Crane says. “Couples who travel a great deal may also be cognizant of the value of time together, and in some cases might even spend more quality time together than couples who don’t travel.”

From reading the same books when they are apart to making daily phone calls, the following Orange County couples have found ways to deal with and even thrive in the midst of frequent travel.

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The Gefkes each spend about 60 days away from home each year to reach clients throughout the United States and the world. Their trips can last anywhere from two days to three weeks.

They see many positives stemming from their travels.

“Traveling spices things up a bit and gives you a change of pace,” says Jeff, 37, who heads the design and production end of the business.

“I wouldn’t not do what I’m doing,” agrees Christa, 34, who is in charge of sales and marketing for the company. “I like the opportunities I’m getting to see the world. I also like the fact that when I’m traveling, I have a real sense of being me.”

Although traveling can be invigorating for both the Gefkes, they do experience some loneliness on the road.

“Generally when I go away on a long trip, the first three days are tough while I get over missing the family, and the last few days are also rough,” Christa says. “When I went to Chicago for 2 1/2 weeks, by the last three days, every time I thought about the kids and Jeff, I cried.”

Christa finds the return time especially challenging. “Even though I’ve missed my family horribly, it’s difficult to get back into the family routine for the first few days. Jeff and I end up disagreeing on little things until I get back into the swing of it.”

To keep their relationship strong with one another and the kids, the Gefkes do several things while on the road, including talking by phone daily.

“We spend a half an hour to an hour each day talking about business and personal concerns,” Jeff says. “Communication on a daily basis is important to maintain the relationship; otherwise you lose that connection.”

It’s important to actively listen to one another on the phone, Christa says. “You must not only hear each other’s words, but silences, too,” she says. “Jeff and I try hard to listen to what each of us is saying and not saying.”

When the rigors of traveling take their toll on one person, the other will jump in with support. “It’s tough to be separated, and sometimes when you’re far away and lonely you lose sight of your goals,” Jeff says. “One of us will justify the end by doing a little cheerleading and talking about time in the future we’ll be spending together.”

When they are away from home, the Gefkes also talk to their children daily. “If you are a traveling parent, you have to become good at seeing things that your children are talking about, because they will say things like, ‘Look, Mommy, isn’t this pretty?’ Or they will walk into a room and tell you what’s there.”

If she will be traveling for more than a few days, Christa will prepare a menu for the children and a picture calendar that they can cross off each day. “In the first and last boxes I’ll draw an airplane. In the other boxes I’ll draw things like a bike if they’re scheduled to go on a bike ride, or a duck if they’ll be going to feed the ducks,” she says.

To help the children deal with traveling, the Gefkes also stick to several rituals, including taking the kids to the airport and letting them help pack and unpack.

“We try to get them as involved in the traveling process as possible,” Jeff says. “Seeing us leave and then return makes them more comfortable and assures them that we will return.”

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Two years ago, Tom Glagola, 47, an engineer for an oil company, accepted a position as proposal manager, which meant that he would be doing a lot of traveling. And he has traveled a lot, including an overseas assignment that meant a nine-month stay in Japan.

Since he embarked on the international travel scene, Glagola and his wife, author Noreen Ayres, 53, have found that traveling has its positive and negative effects on their relationship.

In some ways, traveling is good for the relationship, Ayres says. “When Tom was in Japan for nine months, we were both lively and interested, and our general outlook and attitude was more optimistic and energized. It was also good for us as individuals, which inevitably positively affected our relationship as a couple. Being separated means you must make independent decisions on a regular basis. Once you get beyond the stress, this boosts your self-confidence,” says Ayres, who was promoting her first Orange County mystery novel, “A World the Color of Salt,” while Glagola was in Japan.

“The experience of traveling has been very enlightening and broadening for me and has put some spontaneity into our lives,” Glagola agrees. “At times, Noreen has flown to be with me, which has been exciting.”

It is this same unpredictability that can be difficult for the couple to deal with at times.

“Traveling a great deal is definitely a high-tension lifestyle,” says Glagola, who sometimes has to leave on a moment’s notice. “It’s not for those people who like security, solidity and routine.”

Because of the unpredictability of when Glagola will need to travel, the couple’s social plans are often up in the air. “We have a terrible reputation for canceling social engagements,” he says. “It is also difficult for me to complete any projects around the house, because I may start one and not be able to get back to it for three months.”

To ease the tension brought on by trips, Ayres will often do what she can to make the departure pleasant, which includes driving him to the airport and seeing him off.

In order to keep their relationship going strong, Glagola and Ayres stay connected while he is traveling by doing several things, the most important of which is talking on the phone on a regular basis.

“Running up the phone bills is really the only way to keep the closeness,” says Ayres, who had $400 and $500 phone bills on her end when Glagola was in Japan. “Without the connection of the phone, it’s easy to draw apart on long-term and even short-term separations. The small things each of you mention really keep you on track. I don’t know how many times over the years Tom has shared his experiences with me, like seeing a sunset in Alaska.”

Keeping in touch by phone can sometimes mean speaking at odd hours when there is a large time difference involved. In Japan, there is a 16-hour time difference from here, which meant that Glagola would sometimes have to talk to Ayres at 3 a.m. his time. In order to do this, he would set his alarm and give her a call. Their conversations often lasted half an hour to an hour. At the end of each call, they would set a time for the next call, including backup times.

The couple also stays connected by reading the same books while separated and talking about them on the phone. This sharing is very enjoyable for them, as they are both avid readers. They also try to see the same movies when they can, which gives them another conversation link.

In many ways Glagola and Ayres feel that although his constant traveling has been challenging at times, they have grown from the experience and it has enriched their relationship. “You learn and grow from the experience, and I really think you become richer people as result,” Glagola says.

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It’s 5 on Friday afternoon, and Ron Bieler is due home. His wife and four children are expecting him, but he won’t be pulling up in the driveway. They’re waiting for their dad at the airport, where he’ll soon land in his own airplane.

For almost six years, Bieler, 51, who is an acupuncturist and doctor of Oriental medicine in Costa Mesa, has lived in Napa in Northern California for part of each week. He recently began flying his own plane so he could shorten commuting hours and more productively split time between his family and patients in Orange County. The trip takes him just two hours. He stays in Napa four nights a week.

When Ron first began traveling, Cora Bieler, 43, says that the transition was difficult and put a lot of strain on their relationship. That was eased when they made the decision to hire help. “Having Ron gone for several days a week required that we supplement the energy of a missing spouse with another care-giver,” she says. “With four kids and a 3,000-square-foot house, I can’t do it all myself.”

Even though Ron’s flying means he spends less time traveling and more at home than he used to, the arrangement is still challenging for the Bielers.

“Although we talk on the phone every day, when I return after traveling, it takes a little while to re-establish communication; it just isn’t the same as when you come home every night,” Ron says. “There is always this element that you are living two separate lives. We will often have to spend time going over issues that we may have had to set aside the previous week.”

Ron finds that making the transition with his children is also stressful at times. “It can be wearing over a period of time,” he says. “When I get home, I’m happy to see the kids and I get drawn into their lives, which makes it difficult to leave again. My youngest often wants to go with me and is usually disappointed when that isn’t possible. I just say I’ll be back on Friday, though, and things are usually OK.”

To keep their relationship as a couple and as a family going strong, the Bielers use the telephone a great deal. Ron will call the children between 7 and 8 every evening and sometimes early in the morning.

“When I talk to the kids, I try to stay current in their lives by asking about school and their activities,” Ron says. “Just recently I talked to my 10-year-old about his report on Native Americans (and) to my 6-year-old about multiplication tables; my 5-year-old told me her cold was all better, and my 2-year-old said, ‘Want fly your airplane.’ ”

Talking on the phone to their father on a consistent basis is important to the children. “When you maintain consistent communication, there is a sense of trust that you can still rely on that person and that he still exists in your world,” Cora says.

In addition to talking to the kids in the early evening, Ron will often call Cora around 9:30, after the kids are asleep. The couple will talk about day-to-day issues and major concerns when necessary.

Until recently, Ron and Cora say that they didn’t spend enough time concentrating on their relationship as a couple because of a reluctance to exclude the children in the limited time available. Now they are focusing more on their relationship and making plans to get away alone more often.

“People in situations like ours have a lack of continuity, and as a result, the connection becomes fragile,” Cora says. “We realize that it’s important to strengthen that connection with some alone time.”

Though Ron’s constant traveling can be challenging for the Bielers, they have found that it has made their relationship stronger overall. “If a relationship is already good, I think a situation like ours can make it better,” Cora says. “In our case, it has really strengthened the knot.”