They All Knuckled Down

Nominations for Knucklehead of ’93 are now closed. Below we list the finalists. You get to vote for the winners. Remember, decision of the judge is final. And please--this is very important--absolutely no voting for the judge as Knucklehead of ’93. (Void in sections of Nebraska and Wisconsin. Some restrictions may apply.)

--Gunter Parche and Judge Elke Bosse. One day last April, Parche, a 38-year-old, unemployed lathe operator who lives with his aunt, took a nine-inch, curved, jagged boning knife, ran onto a tennis court and stabbed Monica Seles so that his heroine, Steffi Graf, could regain her standing as the top player in tennis. As punishment, Judge Bosse handed down a stern, no-nonsense, almost cruel . . . suspended sentence.

--The Houston Oilers. While his wife was giving birth, Oiler lineman David Williams was pestered repeatedly in the delivery room to leave in time to catch a plane for a game the next day against the New England Patriots. For staying behind with his wife, Williams was docked $111,111 in pay and made to feel as though he had let down the people most important to him . . . the team.

--Bill Belichick. On Nov. 8, midway through the season and without warning, the coach of the Cleveland Browns cut the town’s most popular athlete, Bernie Kosar, deciding instead to proceed at quarterback with Vinnie Testaverde, who had talent, charisma . . . and a separated shoulder.

--”Fan Man.” Jim something--his name doesn’t deserve to be in the paper--interrupted the Nov. 6 heavyweight championship fight between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield for 21 minutes by parachuting into the ring. Bowe’s expectant wife, Judy, fainted and his senior-citizen trainer, Eddie Futch, had heart palpitations; both were hospitalized overnight. And “Fan Man” was hauled away by police, who forced him . . . to pay $200 bail.

--Zhang Baifa. Deputy mayor of Beijing and head of China’s bid committee for the 2000 Summer Olympics, Zhang threatened a boycott of the 1996 Olympics at Atlanta should politicians from the U.S. sway a vote in another city’s favor. Zhang’s comments irritated many voters, and Beijing lost on the final ballot to Sydney, Australia . . . by two votes.

--George Bell. Choosing the beginning of the American League playoffs to voice his opinion that Manager Gene Lamont of the Chicago White Sox was not much of a manager, Bell’s contribution to a six-game series against the Toronto Blue Jays was . . . to watch all six games from the bench.

--Sky View High football team. In suburban Salt Lake City, players stripped a teammate, bound him with tape and paraded classmates of both sexes past him, just for fun. After school officials canceled the season, parents were highly critical . . . of the victimized boy, for blabbing and whining about such a little prank.

--Rafael Palmeiro. After asking the Texas Rangers for $40 million for six years, Palmeiro responded to their decision to sign Will Clark instead for five years and $30 million by calling Clark a “lowlife” and a “mediocre” player with “no class.” Oh, and Raffy forgot to mention what Will also was . . . his college teammate.

--Nike. On Sept. 11-12, the “Fab 40 Shootout” sponsored by Nike lured many of America’s top high school basketball stars to an exhibition with plane fare, lodging, gift certificates and shoes. As a reward, most of these players were . . . disciplined or suspended for violating National Federation of State High School Assns . rules.

--Pepsi. Seven-foot one-inch client Shaquille O’Neal was advised not to be part of the basketball “Dream Team” proudly representing the United State in the next Olympics because . . . one of the Olympics’ sponsors is Coke.

--Jim Pierce. Father of Mary, who is 18 and one of the top players in women’s tennis, Jim, 57, had to be banned from the pro circuit after persistent harassment of his daughter that included a statement, as sworn to in his wife’s domestic-violence complaint, that: “If you think there was a nut in Waco, Tex., you haven’t seen anything yet.” Since the ban, the effect on Mary’s career has been . . . her steady rise in the world rankings.

--Bridgman High football team. Ten of the 17 players at Bridgman, Mich., population 2,140, quit in midseason after two sophomore teammates, twins Chris and Corey Reimers, berated their efforts. Chris Reimers Sr. then told the local newspaper: “My kids were the best kids on the team. The rest are a bunch of spoiled little wusses.” Cheerleaders for the Bridgman Bees did their part for school spirit after the walkout . . . by ripping the “Go, Bees!” posters from the hallways.

--Dale Christensen. Football coach at a high school in the Chicago suburb of Libertyville, he took a gun, loaded it with blanks and staged his own make-believe shooting, complete with fake blood, in the school cafeteria. Christensen took this action . . . to fire up his team for a big state playoff game.

--Dale Hunter. To acknowledge a game-winning goal by Pierre Turgeon of the New York Islanders that eliminated the Washington Capitals from the NHL playoffs, Hunter skated up to Turgeon, who was celebrating with his arms raised in victory, and blindsided him, eliminating Turgeon from the next series. Hunter drew a 21-game suspension . . . which he referred to as “extreme.”

--Tom Werner. A man who purchased and then systematically dismantled a major league baseball team, resulting in the San Diego Padres agreeing to trade the National League batting champion and National League home run champion . . . to San Diego’s rivals in the National League.

Those are the top 15 knucklers. Dishonorable mention goes to:

Vince (Boom Boom) Coleman and Bret (Bleach Bum) Saberhagen of the New York Mets; the three stooges who judged the Chavez-Whitaker fight; playbook-losing Malik Sealy of the Indiana Pacers; insulted-by-$69-million Derrick Coleman of the New Jersey Nets; head-butting, butt-headed John Starks of the New York Knicks; iron-headed, rubber-armed Jose Canseco of the Texas Rangers; legend-whipped Robin Ventura of the Chicago White Sox; PGA golfer-quitter John Daly; week-by-week identity changer Michael Jackson-Dyson-Jackson of the Cleveland Browns; the California Angels, for unloading a 100% sound Bryan Harvey and procuring a 0% sound Kelly Gruber; World Cup soccer promoters, for waylaying Pele; timeout-calling Chris Webber of the University of Michigan; Manager Don Baylor of the Colorado Rockies, who after the deliberate injuring of Dodger infielder Jody Reed advised anyone who didn’t like it to “put on a dress,” and wealthy young retiree Michael Jordan, who scolded “you guys” 28 times in a room crammed with people who for 10 years had publicly praised and adored him.

Oh, and America’s goat, Leon Lett, who made two runs at the knucklehead top 15, but forgot to look where he was going.