Clemens to Padres to Astros? Put This in Cold Stove League

Of all the trade rumors involving the Houston Astros this winter, longtime baseball writer Neil Hohlfeld of the Houston Chronicle cites this one as the most ludicrous:

The Providence Journal reported that the Boston Red Sox are talking about trading Roger Clemens and third baseman Scott Cooper to the San Diego Padres for pitcher Andy Benes and outfielder Derek Bell. Given the Padres’ fire-sale mania, the report noted that the prospect of the club taking on the remaining $16-million of Clemens’ contract appears a little curious.

But the rumor, which has been denied by the teams, went on to note that if Clemens and the Padres seem an unlikely match, Padre General Manager Randy Smith might engineer a three-way deal that would ultimately land Clemens, a Texan, with the Astros.

Writes Hohlfeld: “Since the Astros are looking to slice their payroll, it’s highly unlikely that General Manager Bob Watson would add Clemens’ huge salary. Not if he wants to keep his job, anyway. The Astros may still trade pitcher Pete Harnisch for a low-cost outfielder before spring training, so the very idea of picking up Clemens’ salary is absurd.”

Trivia time: Which NFL team holds the record for most points in a championship game?

Oprah, bonbons and the mall: Jennifer Capriati is on a scheduled five-month break from the tennis tour, reportedly because of a nagging elbow injury. But Darrell Fry of the St. Petersburg Times writes that those close to Capriati believe she has given up being a millionaire tennis pro.

Tommy Thompson, the director of coaching where Capriati trains, told Fry, “I think she played before because she thought she was supposed to. I don’t think she wants to play right now. She’s not into it.

“Maybe she should take a break before she really starts to hate the game. And maybe after a while, when she gets sick of going to the mall and all that, she’ll come back.”

He loves the place: Unless there is a playoff meeting, the Dallas Stars played their final game recently in Chicago Stadium, and Dallas’ Shane Churla says he will miss the place.

“I love playing there,” Churla said. “Some guy once threw a trailer hitch at me. They’re a different breed of fan, but that gets me going. I won’t miss the cockroaches. I wonder how long it will take before they cross the street (to the new arena).”

The Blackhawks and the Bulls will play in the new arena next season.

Wrong direction: So what is television commentator John Madden’s preoccupation with “directional punting?” That’s what Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post wants to know.

“Madden spent more time on directional punting in this one Giants game than Les Aspin spent on Mogadishu. Meanwhile, Mike Horan, Mr. Directional Punter himself, got a punt blocked by his teammate’s keister! Does that make him a ‘re-directional punter?’

“Enough already with directional punting. If you want to punt the ball to the sideline, for heaven’s sake, just turn and face the sideline.”

Trivia answer: The Chicago Bears, with a 73-0 victory over the Washington Redskins in 1940.

Quotebook: Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Examiner, on the trade that sent New York Met Vince Coleman to the Kansas City Royals for Kevin McReynolds: “Vince Coleman for Kevin McReynolds raises the question: ‘Is there deja vu in hell?’ ”