State of the Union

Preparations for the beach wedding had already begun when Kay Wiker and Daniel Holmes got the bad news from the county of Orange: Weddings aren’t permitted on county beaches.

Wiker had known what elements he wanted at his wedding even before he fully realized, at the age of 18, that he is gay. He wanted a ceremony on the sand and under a full moon. His fiance, Holmes, was determined that the orchid-covered bamboo wedding arch, illuminated by candles held by each of the 150 guests and 100 tiki torches, would be part of the ceremony at Laguna’s West Street beach.

Then, in a twist both sweet and bitter to the participants, the county allowed the event to go on as planned. The event, it seems, would be just a party--not a wedding--in the eyes of county officials, because the state doesn’t recognize gay unions as legal marriages.

So on June 4, 1993, Wiker, 33, and Holmes, 27, exchanged rings while seven attendants stood by on the sand. Amid live cello and flute music, two ministers read prayers and watched as the San Juan Capistrano couple, in formal attire, recited their vows.

It was a ceremony that Wiker, aware of the apparent irony of the term, described as old-fashioned.

“It was what I’ve always wanted to do. I wanted to show Daniel how much I’m willing to make a commitment to him, and do it in front of our friends,” he said. “My straight friends are impressed that we did it so openly. But there shouldn’t be anything unusual in it. When two gay people want to show their commitment, they should be able to do so.”

Commitment ceremonies have increased steadily in recent years, gay-rights advocates say, and are helping to fuel litigation efforts to gain state recognition of same-sex unions.

Recognition could come first in Hawaii, where gay-rights lawyers are confident of victory in a lawsuit that challenges state policies banning marriage licenses for gay and lesbian couples. Such an outcome could put a national focus on the issue if gays go to Hawaii to marry and then return to their home states.

“If one state ultimately allows lesbian and gay marriages, there will be haggling in each state as to whether or not to recognize those marriages,” said Rachel Bernstein, a lawyer with the National Center for Lesbian Rights. “And there may be cases just like there were with interracial marriages,” when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 1967 that Virginia had to recognize the union of an interracial couple who had gotten married in another state.

Lawsuits seeking to force states to recognize gay unions have become a priority among many gay-rights lawyers. Legal actions are pending in Florida, Arizona and the District of Columbia, and last year the marriage policy in California was unsuccessfully challenged by two West Hollywood men who sued after the Los Angeles County clerk denied their application for a marriage license.

The Hawaii suit may fare best because that state’s constitution was amended specifically to prohibit government discrimination based on sex, said Evan Wolfson of the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, which has brought the suit.

In its defense, the state of Hawaii argues that children are best raised by their biological parents, that the state has a compelling interest in fostering procreation, and that allowing same-sex couples to marry would convey state approval of non-heterosexual orientation and behavior. A final decision is expected in a year or two.

New Mexico and New Jersey may also soon be targeted for marriage-license suits because those states’ constitutions and case laws show potential for being challenged, said J Craig Fong of the Lambda fund.

Although no state recognizes gay unions, five California counties and several cities do. Los Angeles, West Hollywood and Laguna Beach are among eight municipalities that offer varying degrees of recognition of same-sex unions.

A pending California Assembly bill that would allow gay couples to register their relationships is modeled after the policies of these cities. Under the measure, which was introduced on Valentine’s Day, gays would be able to will property to their partners, participate in family-only hospital visits and gain conservatorship rights in the event one becomes incapacitated. Similar legislation was introduced in Hawaii last month.

Gay-rights activists are optimistic about the California bill’s chances but expect opposition, even though they say the measure, introduced by Richard Katz (D-Sylmar), falls far short of the benefits offered by marriage licenses.

“Quite frankly, these are limited rights, the barest sort of protection,” said Richard Jennings, executive director of Hollywood Supports, a group that addresses HIV and gay issues in the entertainment industry. “The bill doesn’t put gays on a par with married couples. Gays continue to have relationships, buy property together and look into the possibility of adopting children, but laws are not set up to address any of these.”

Although gay partners sometimes have lawyers draft contracts and agreements that attempt to duplicate marriage benefits, it is estimated that such agreements can address only 60% of what is covered in a heterosexual marriage. For example, the agreements cannot guarantee the same protections in areas such as child custody, pension plans, health coverage and Social Security benefits.

Also, gay-rights activists say that when gays seek court-ordered enforcement of the documents, some judges have refused to recognize them.

Some commitment ceremonies announce the start of a relationship; most affirm partnerships that began years or even decades earlier. The ceremonies can also be political statements, as when more than 1,000 same-sex couples were simultaneously wed during last April’s march on Washington. But most of the ceremonies--known variously as same-sex covenants, relationship rituals or holy unions--are private parties held in homes, hotels and churches.

At Congregation Kol Ami in West Hollywood, Rabbi Denise L. Eger has performed hundreds of commitment ceremonies since 1988. She says the rituals often serve as a welcome vehicle for hesitant parents to show their support of their gay children’s relationships.

Because no official records are kept, the national total of gay households is unknown. But the American Bar Assn.’s Family Law Conference has estimated that at least 8 million children are being raised in 3 million same-sex households nationwide. Nearly all states permit adoption for same-sex couples.

The notion of gay relationships remains discomforting to many people--even to some who don’t consider themselves anti-homosexual.

The Los Angeles Diocese of the Episcopal Church debated at its recent convention whether the blessing of same-sex relationships should be sanctioned. After six hours of discussion, delegates failed to reach agreement.

“The idea of two women or two men marrying is one that I don’t see myself theologically able to endorse or accommodate,” said the Rev. David Anderson of St. James’ Episcopal Church in Newport Beach, whose delegation opposed the same-sex resolution. “The term marriage has referred to a unique bond between a man and a woman, and the old medieval idea of marriage had to do with the production of children.”

Episcopal priests who had previously blessed same-sex covenants, such as the Rev. George Regas at All Saints in Pasadena, continue to do so, and backers of the proposal say they will press the issue at the church’s general convention this summer.

Carl Tuttle, pastor of Vineyard Christian Fellowship in Anaheim, says he sees homosexuality as a sin but dislikes being lumped together with “angry, hateful and militant” opponents of gay rights.

“We don’t condemn gays that way,” Tuttle said. “But I wouldn’t have the faith to (perform) a gay marriage, because I do believe it’s not within God’s will. We see it as a sin, and they don’t. We don’t condone homosexuality for the same reason we don’t condone drunkenness, theft or encourage divorce.”

But liberal clerics such as Regas believe that gays should have a welcome home in the church.

“The love of God revealed in the Jewish and Christian Scriptures is an inclusive love. That’s the predominant theme of biblical literature,” he said.

Most Christian commitment ceremonies for same-sex couples are performed by the Metropolitan Community Church, founded in 1968 for gays who feel uncomfortable in other churches. The church has more than 300 congregations worldwide.

The Rev. Jane Carl, co-pastor of Ocean of Life MCC in Costa Mesa, has performed about 50 same-sex ceremonies. Like heterosexual candidates for marriage, gay partners meet at least three times with Carl before the ceremony to discuss the emotional, spiritual and legal aspects of their union. Carl requires couples to have lived together for at least one year before the ceremony.

The specter of AIDS, she says, has played a role in encouraging long-term gay unions, especially among men. “Gay men are becoming much more monogamous in the face of AIDS,” she said.

Of the ceremonies that Carl has conducted, 70% have been between women. At Congregation Kol Ami, just as many gay men as lesbians take vows, a change from the late 1980s, Eger said. She attributes the change to a renewal of the values of commitment in the gay male community, prompted by the AIDS crisis.

Carl estimates that nationally, three of every five commitment ceremonies are non-religious. “The reason, I think, is that the church has done so much damage to gay and lesbian people spiritually that many are totally convinced that God will have no part of them. So they say, why do the ceremony in a church?”

Chris and Micki Clark of Orange County are among the lesbian couples who chose to include Christian passages in their ceremony. The two met through a gay dating service last March and tied the knot two months later.

“It was love at first sight,” said Chris, 31, a state employee. “We believe in God, and I wanted to have my lifelong partner marry me because it’s more of a commitment, more bonding. It’s not only a religious but a social bond when you’re out there in front of your friends and family.”

The guest list, which grew from 20 to 42 as more friends and co-workers began to show interest in attending, included “gay, straight, old and young,” said Micki, 27, an administrative assistant.

The couple’s parents, however, didn’t attend the ceremony. Micki said her parents “would rather see us married to guys, but that’s their opinion. Gay people have the right to be married, too. We’re in love.” Micki legally changed her last name to match Chris’.

Of the gay couples who are wed at Kol Ami, about 20% have parents who boycott the ceremony on principle, Eger says. Twenty-five percent of the parents, she adds, are hesitant but find that the ceremony is a way to heal their relationship with their children.

“Say the parents are not dealing well with their child’s sexual orientation,” Eger said. “Then they get a call from the child announcing the ceremony. The parents resist at first but know they have to do the right thing and show up. And it has a positive effect. A wedding is a wedding. There’s music and loving words said.”

While the courts are deciding whether the definitions of marriage should be expanded, increasing numbers of private companies are rewriting their benefits policies to include non-traditional couples. Some began by offering health and other benefits to the unmarried partners of heterosexual employees and then extended the benefit to the partners of gay and lesbian employees.

When former Apple Computer Chairman John Sculley initiated a benefits program for domestic partners last year, his rationale was as American as capitalism, said company spokesman Frank O’Mahony.

“He was concerned that we could have a potential disadvantage recruiting the best talent if gay people knew they couldn’t get adequate health benefits,” O’Mahony said. Sculley’s competitive pragmatism, the spokesman added, was accompanied by a personal belief that denying benefits to committed gay couples is simply unfair.

Other companies and institutions offering domestic-partnership benefits include Levi Strauss, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and Stanford University. The entertainment industry is also steadily recognizing the rights of gay partnerships, said Jennings of Hollywood Supports, who has helped draft policies adopted by MCA/Universal, Warner Bros., Viacom, HBO and the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

Such benefits, however, may not be as lucrative as they seem, according to the Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples, an advocacy group based in Seattle. The Internal Revenue Service calculates the dollar value of domestic-partnership benefits and adds that to the working partner’s income, the task force said.

Gay-rights advocates say the fact that gay unions generally lack job benefits and state recognition is proof that the ceremonies are reflections of love rather than arrangements of convenience.

“We’re doing this in spite of the fact that there’s no legal or economic benefit,” said Eger, who has been wed four years to her lesbian partner.

“Even though we’re discriminated against by the state from building stable, normative lives, I have people who have been together 18, 20, 24 years. I find it ironic that the radical right wants to paint the gay community as promiscuous, evildoing and predatory when the reality is (that) gay- and lesbian-commitment ceremonies are really about celebrating gay and lesbian stability.”

Eger concedes, however, that breakups among gay partners occur nearly as frequently as they do in heterosexual marriages. In such cases, she encourages gay as well as straight couples to undergo what she calls “a sacred ceremony of dissolutionment.”

“I do create ceremonies of closure and separation,” Eger said. “In (prenuptial) counseling we talk of what happens when the relationship doesn’t work.”

Daniel Holmes said his relationship has become stronger since he was wed on the moonlit beach.

“We’d both had previous long-term relationships, and in this one, there’s not that thought that one of us could walk out the door. This is the most settled and loving time I’ve had in my life.”