Here’s a Sure-Fire System to Pick NCAA Winner

Ladies and gentlemen of the NCAA basketball office pool, you huddled masses yearning to break free and win a month’s coffee money, a piece of advice:

In order to determine who is about to win this year’s tournament, you first must decide who can’t.

For instance:

Arkansas can’t win it because Arkansas’ center and point guard are due to be implicated in the Whitewater scandal any day now.

North Carolina can’t win it because Michael Jordan is embarrassing baseball--so Sports Illustrated has declared--and the Tar Heels can’t bring themselves to show their faces in public over that one.

Michigan can’t win it because some time in the next three weeks, the Wolverines will desperately need a timeout called and every player on the court will put his hands behind his back and say, “Not me.”

Duke and Kentucky can’t win it because the two schools will implode when their teams meet in the Southeast Regional semifinals.

Purdue can’t win it because no one-man team has reached the NCAA final since Larry Bird carried Indiana State there in 1979, and Glenn Robinson is no Larry Bird.

California can’t win it because Jason Kidd and Lamond Murray will announce this weekend their intention to quit school and form their own NBA expansion team.

UCLA can’t win it because this is March, not December; because the Bruins lost six of their last 13 games; because the Bruins lost to Oregon; because the Bruins could use about three more O’Bannons; because the Bruins could use someone who doesn’t quiver at the thought of taking an 18-footer at the buzzer, and because the Bruins are celebrating the 30th anniversary of John Wooden’s first NCAA championship with Jim Harrick on the bench.

Missouri can’t win it because in order to reach the sixth round you have to win the first.

Massachusetts can’t win it because Coach John Calipari has run out of gas answering the question, “So, did you think John Chaney really wanted to kill you?”

Indiana and Temple can’t win it, though, with a little luck, Bob Knight and John Chaney could meet in the second round in what basketball writers are calling the First Alert Security Bowl. The loser gets eliminated, the winner gets one phone call.

Pennsylvania can’t win it because it is an outstanding academic institution, beyond reproach, dedicated to developing scholars first and athletes second. It has no chance.

College of Charleston can’t win it because junior colleges shouldn’t be allowed into the NCAA tournament in the first place.

New Mexico State can’t win it because saying you’re the best basketball team in the Big West is the same thing as saying you’re the best professional hockey team in Southern California.

Loyola (Maryland) can’t win it, and neither can Loyola (Chicago) and Loyola Marymount. These franchise universities are just so tacky.

Tennessee Chattanooga can’t win it because being the best basketball team in Tennessee is no big deal anymore.

Tennessee State can’t win it because the school is still on probation for alumna Oprah Winfrey’s “interview” with Michael Jackson.

Liberty can’t win it because Danny Sheridan lists the odds at 10 trillion-to-one. Jerry Falwell wagers a buck and starts praying.

Alabama Birmingham can’t win it, but give Gene Bartow UCLA’s talent now and you never know.

Rider can’t win it, because he plays with the Timberwolves now and the Timberwolves can’t beat anybody.

North Carolina A&T; can’t win it, and neither can North Carolina MCI.

Ohio can’t win it, but if the Bobcats win their first-round game, we’ll forgive them. The Bobcats’ first-round game is against Indiana.

Western Kentucky, Central Florida, Southern Illinois, Texas Southern, Southwest Texas State and Southwestern Louisiana can’t win it because if you need directions just to find the campus . . .

Drexel can’t win it because investment bankers can’t jump.

Texas can’t win it because it went 12-2 to finish first in the Southwest Conference. So?

Syracuse can’t win it because if Jim Boeheim couldn’t win it with Derrick Coleman, Rony Seikaly and Sherman Douglas, why should he now?

Navy can’t win it. Navy doesn’t have a Tailhook shot in hell.

Wisconsin can’t win it because it won the Rose Bowl. That’s enough.

Louisville can’t win it because the 80s are over.

Michigan State and Marquette can’t win it because the 70s are over.

Tulsa and Oklahoma State can’t win it, but if one doesn’t finish off UCLA this weekend in Oklahoma City, the other will.

Boise State can’t win it, though it is interesting to note that this is the Broncos’ fourth NCAA appearance since former Cal State Fullerton coach Bobby Dye arrived in Boise. Fullerton, meanwhile, hasn’t qualified once since Dye left in 1980.

Wisconsin Green Bay can’t win it because Brett Favre might sign with Louisiana New Orleans.

Pepperdine, Washington State and New Mexico can’t win it because . . . let’s get serious.

Maryland and St. Louis can’t win it, but whoever wins their first-round matchup on Thursday gets the Rams.

Boston College can’t win it, even though Bobby Bowden promised to do whatever he could, just his way of saying thanks.

Nebraska can’t win it because Tom Osborne has tickets.

Cincinnati can’t win it because Houston has better pitching.

Illinois can’t win it because of two words: Lou Henson.

Arizona can’t win it because of four words: East, Tennessee, Santa and Clara.

Connecticut, Georgetown, Providence and Seton Hall can’t win it because I’m really getting sick of the Big East, aren’t you?

Alabama can’t win it, though country music fans swear by them.

Virginia can’t win it because, no, there is no Santa Claus. If there was, he’d have left Virginia Coach Jeff Jones some jump shooters. The Cavaliers shot 38.7% in conference this season, the lowest mark in the ACC since 1968.

Florida can’t win it because Rush Limbaugh as spokesperson for Florida orange juice constitutes a recruiting violation.

Kansas can’t win it because everyone says the Jayhawks’ talent is down this year. And it is--down on its knees, bowing before Coach Roy Williams and chanting, “We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy.”

Wake Forest can’t win it because players will be demoralized after PC police demands name change from highly offensive “Demon Deacons” to more palatable “Very Tall Sensitive Feeling Leaping Persons.”

Minnesota can’t win it because Minnesota can’t win on the road and Minneapolis has no suburbs named “Sacramento,” “Los Angeles” and “Charlotte.”

George Washington and James Madison can’t win it because they’re dead.

That leaves us with . . .

Hawaii.

Hawaii, home of the always colorful Rainbow Warriors.

Hawaii, land of pearly white sand, turquoise blue waves and golden sunshine. A great place to catch a basketball game, I always say.

Can’t think of any reason to rule out Hawaii.

So I’m going with Hawaii. All the way. By a lei up.

See you there at the victory parade.