Front Office Holds Cards for Mighty Ducks’ Next Move

U nconventional wisdom of the day . . .

San Jose Sharks: If not for an 0-6 record in head-to-head meetings, there go the Ducks? Probably not. Detroit 4, Anaheim 1, would have been more like it, considering the Red Wings’ advantages in team speed (huge) and offensive depth (don’t even start). No team in the league created worse matchup problems for the Ducks last season than Detroit. That said, San Jose reached the Stanley Cup quarterfinals in its third season with 1) superb goaltending, 2) a tight-checking/grabbing defense, and 3) a front office willing to do what it takes to punch up the scoring. Already the Ducks have demonstrated the first two. Still waiting on the third.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Down, 2-1, to the Teal Things, and in worse shape than they presently think. San Jose stands a serious chance of advancing another round, provided Arturs Irbe continues to play “like wall,” because Toronto’s grind-em-down style plays straight to the Sharks’ strengths. Where have you gone, Felix Potvin? Any more of these five-goal cave-ins and Toronto’s playoff run is going to hit something hard. Like wall.

Detroit Red Wings: Blew the Stanley Cup when they refused to trade for a blue-ribbon goaltender--Grant Fuhr, Bill Ranford--and settled instead for plain-wrap Bob Essensa. They simply couldn’t part with young goalie Chris Osgood, the Red Wings insisted. Got to plan for the future, you know. The New York Rangers said the same thing in 1940.

New York Rangers: Pittsburgh’s out. Montreal’s out. Detroit’s out. Calgary’s out. Toronto’s teetering. The Rangers haven’t had it this good in 54 years. It’s either now or 2048.

Seattle SuperSonics: Which is it? Are the SuperSonics the Red Wings of the NBA? Or are the Red Wings the SuperSonics of the NHL? Can we get a clarification, please?

Shaquille O’Neal: Wasn’t this supposed to be the Year of the Center?

David Robinson: Or did they mean next year?

Dennis Rodman: Out of the running. Banned in Utah. No longer a contender for No. 1. In 1994, Madonna can relate.

Charles Barkley: The Wit And Wisdom? Fifty-six points? The man’s a genius.

Michael Jordan: His next book will be titled, “I Can’t Accept Pippen Winning It All Without Me.”

Jerry Tarkanian: Tanned, rested and ready to coach San Diego State at any moment. Judging from the desperate pleas from Aztec boosters calling XTRA last week, San Diego State is shorthand for San Diego’s Statute of Limitations Runs Out After Two Years. What blatant disregard for the NCAA code of conduct? What code of conduct? Lloyd Daniels? Who’s that? Besides, Tark has spent the last year of his life undermining Rollie Massimino’s program at UNLV. He’s paid his debt to society.

Chris Chandler: First Chris Miller, now Chris Chandler. The Rams are determined to make their quarterback position safe for the Jim Rome show.

T.J. Rubley: He spends a season and a half backing up Jim Everett, Everett leaves and now he’s third string. Ask him how he feels about the Rams not drafting Trent Dilfer.

Arizona Cardinals: The Rams’ season-opening opponent. Buddy Ryan, who didn’t get the Rams’ head coaching job in 1992, versus Chuck Knox, who did. Got to like a schedule-maker with a sense of humor.

Charlie Ward: Someone should have signed him as a two-point conversion specialist. As soon as someone loses, 18-16, in the final minute next season, someone will.

The Angels’ starting rotation: First Magrane’s out and Dopson’s in. Then Langston’s out and Anderson’s in. Then Magrane’s in and Dopson’s out. Then Anderson’s out and Langston’s coming back. Where’s Finley? Good question.

The Angels’ batting order: No Angel has hit more than six home runs so far. Only two Angels, Chili Davis and Tim Salmon, have driven in 20 runs. Apparently, the ball is juiced only when the Angels are pitching.

Ex-Angels, An Update: Or, How They’re Doing, Nine At A Time, As Of Saturday Morning. 1B--Wally Joyner (Kansas City) .286; 2B--Mark McLemore (Baltimore) .273; 3B--Gary Gaetti (Kansas City) .300; SS--Dick Schofield (Toronto) .327; LF--Luis Polonia (New York Yankees) .266; CF--Devon White (Toronto) .316; RF--Dante Bichette (Colorado) .333; C--Lance Parrish (just signed by Pittsburgh); DH--Dave Winfield (Minnesota) .242. I ask you, is this the lineup of a 12-19 team?

The National League West: Name another baseball division with no team playing above .500. That’s right--today, the San Francisco Giants lead the NL West with a record of 15 victories and 15 defeats. What this means is that no city west of Houston has a major league team with a winning record. Maybe we should re-name it the Half A National Pastime.

Chicago Cubs: They win at home once every five weeks. Just like the Bears.

Philadelphia Phillies: Blue caps ruined them. Yeah, that’s it. So how do you explain the Toronto Blue Jays?

Whitey Herzog: He says he’d make the Jim Abbott trade all over again. We wish Whitey well and hope he enjoys the fishing.