LAUGH LINES : Jokes

The controversial assault weapons ban barely cleared the U.S. House of Representatives on Thursday. The final tally was 216-214, reports Tony Peyser, with the San Antonio Spurs’ David Robinson throwing in a career-high 71 votes.

Jay Leno finds it ironic that members of Congress are condemning the government of Singapore for the Michael Fay caning:

“We criticize them for hitting people with sticks, but we barely managed to outlaw semi-automatic assault rifles with grenade launchers on the end of them.”

Leno says the National Rifle Assn. could not be reached for comment on Thursday’s House vote:

“They were too busy at the bank canceling checks to congressmen.”

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Definition: An optimist is a professional accordion player with a beeper.

--Argus Hamilton *

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg wonders about new bathroom-tissue commercials:

“Apparently, you can now get regular tissue or 100% recycled paper. Recycled toilet paper? Uh, gee, I think I’ll pass. . . .

“If you do buy the recycled kind, I would stay away from the natural scent.”

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Reader Bruce Bellingham of San Francisco says it appears Dan Quayle is serious about running for President. Knowing the importance of impressing the MTV generation, Quayle wants it known that his favorite Beatle is Mick.

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The garment industry in New York City is a brutally competitive business. Manufacturers will pull any discount to get an order. So, a salesman once offered a cut rate to a customer.

They agreed on the deal and the salesman called in his bookkeeper. “Miss Ferguson,” he said to her, “If someone offered you $8,000 less 8%, how much would you take off?”

Her voice came back loud and strong: “Everything but my earrings.”

--Argus Hamilton *

Penny Dahlgren of Burbank has lived in California since the early 1950s and says she loves it. On a recent trip to Venice, Fla., she accompanied a friend looking at homes for sale.

“I told a real estate lady, ‘I’m from California.’

“ ‘How can you live there?’ the saleswoman nastily replied before ticking off her complaints: ‘You’ve got earthquakes, floods, fires. . . .’

“When she seemed finished, I looked her straight in the eye and said: ‘It’s the riots. If it wasn’t for the riots, I wouldn’t live there.’

“The saleswoman said no more and gave me a dirty look.”