LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Just how strong are the Clintons’ ties to the Hollywood creative community? Comedy writer Bob Mills says that, according to White House insiders, the President seriously considered appointing Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court.

Hollywood redux: Elliott Gould has told the London Sunday Express that he and ex-wife Barbra Streisand are still friends. Unfortunately, Mills reports, they’re not close enough for him to get any concert tickets.

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Jay Leno, on a University of Rome study indicating that an average man burns six calories with a passionate kiss, 100 calories in foreplay and 250 calories when making love:

“Or, as Bill Clinton would say: ‘Give me a week, I’ll take off the weight.’ ”

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Short takes: Sen. Ted Kennedy says it’s a tragedy that health insurance isn’t available to every American, and a damned shame that no one has yet found the cure for a hangover.

-- Bruce Bellingham

Former Exxon Valdez skipper Joseph Hazelwood, who originally said he only had one beer on the night the tanker caused the nation’s worst oil spill, now admits that he actually had three vodkas. I guess that’s what you call an Absolut lie.

-- Tony Peyser

The Pentagon is concerned it may lose some important technologies now that huge amounts of money are being shifted from the Defense Department’s national laboratories. That’s true: Its lead in stealth accounting technology may be in jeopardy.

-- Paul Steinberg

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Two male golfers were introduced to each other on the first tee, and began to play a friendly round. After a few holes, they caught up with a pair of slow-playing women.

“I’ll go ask if we can play through,” said the first man. But after walking halfway toward the women, he ducked, turned around and scampered back to the tee.

“I can’t say a word to them,” he sputtered to his playing partner. “One is my wife and the other is my mistress.”

The second man said he would go up and ask. But when he got halfway there, he ducked and hurried back, too.

“Small world,” he shuddered.

-- Argus Hamilton

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L. A. County reader Alan Coles says he knew there would be problems when he left his well-paying aerospace job for a new one South of the Border.

“Sure, I knew about the cultural differences, food issues and the tenuous border crossings I would have to endure.

“But four years later, I can honestly say that the people of Orange County are just like everyone else in the world.”