LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno, on the new genetically engineered tomatoes: “There’s nothing to be afraid of. Once you trim the hair and cut the toes off these things, they are really very good.”

Leno, on the possibility of a Rush Limbaugh-Bill Clinton battle for the presidency in ‘96: “McDonald’s wouldn’t know who to support.”

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Across the Atlantic: For the first time ever, England’s bobbies may soon be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Comedy writer Bob Mills says British officials want their officers to be “armed at least as well as an American high school student.”

Princess Diana is being hailed a hero after saving a drowning man in London’s Regents Park. Mills reports that bystanders said she dove right in--as soon as they convinced her it wasn’t Prince Charles.

The $15-billion tunnel joining England and France has been opened, and the Gags Gang/Funny Stuff comedy newsletter calls it quite a breakthrough:

“For the first time in history, the French are only a half-hour away from lousy food. And the English are only a half-hour away from a rotten attitude.”

Comic Argus Hamilton says France’s refusal to invite Germany to D-day ceremonies is no big deal:

“As if the French could stop them from coming. If they could do that, we never would have needed a D-day in the first place.”

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Comic Fred Charles tells the saga of a magician who’s not above suffering for his art:

“He asks for a member of the audience to help him on his next trick, and a guy who was 6-foot-9, 245 pounds comes forward. The magician says, ‘I want you to hit me in the back of the head as hard as you can with this two-by-four.’ The guy says, ‘You’re crazy, I’ll kill you.’ The magician says, ‘No you won’t, go ahead, do it.’ The guy says, ‘No, I refuse.’

“Finally the guy agrees. He slams the magician in the back of the head with the board and the magician is out cold. They take him to the hospital, where he’s in a coma for six months. They’re about to unplug him because they don’t think he’s responding to therapy. Suddenly, he wakes up and says: ‘ Ta daaa! ‘ “ *

Quick takes: Comic Keith Nelson wonders if those advocating the licensing of all guns have ever been to the DMV: “That’s just what we need. Another line of people where weapons are involved.”

Reader Tony LaHood says he gets no respect: “Last week I got thrown out of the Museum of Tolerance.”

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Reader Arleen Bennett of Fallbrook remembers a day when her granddaughter, 4, came for a visit:

I was just getting out of the shower and she came running in. She cautioned her parents not to come in because “Grandma is taking a shower.” Her mother asked: “Why can you go in?” My granddaughter replied: “Because I don’t laugh.”