Unafraid to Bauble the Bawl

O n a day in May, they came to play

Some baseball in Cincinnati,

When a trade was made that the boss OK’d

Thus proving her slightly batty.

While the other Reds lay heads to beds

Their GM acquired a player

Wearing earrings where he is hearing

And more diamonds than Liz Taylor.

Name was Deion, oft called “Neon,”

Quite a quirky center fielder.

As fleet of feet as one might meet;

A hard-to-apprehend base stealer.

Yes, a jewel--with every tool--

Was dazzling Sanders, was he not?

Yet this youthful Red had cause to dread

For he now worked for Marge Schott.

A mouth, well, large had made old Marge

The talk, talk, talk of the town.

As a woman, although human,

She seemed fonder of her hound.

Baseball banned her, couldn’t stand her

Had her exiled for a season.

But she surfaced with a purpose:

A proposal to be decent.

I will never, vowed Marge, ever

Use the language I once spoke.

I’ll view my field with my lips sealed

And I’m not just blowing smoke.

Well, such whimsy tickled Cincy

But it must be duly noted.

Tongue betrayed her, two months later.

(‘Round the next time she was quoted.)

There are some men, Marge Schott said then,

While I love the little dears,

I am paying for their playing

Not to have their damn ears pierced.

Would Yogi Berra wear mascara?

Would you see rouge on Pete Rose?

Would you see the Mick wear lipstick?

Or Clemente panty hose?

Would Mays have played in bracelets?

No, and neither would Babe Ruth.

Picture Aaron wearin’ pearls!

Sandy Koufax a gold tooth!

My point, said Schott, is that I’m not

Afraid to speak the truth.

Namely being, I’ve been seeing

Men in earrings--bunch of fruits!

The brouhaha from this new faux pas

Caused another big league groan.

When it came to names to shame the game

Hers remained in a league of her own.

Schott apologized, then theorized

That “fruit” had plural meanings.

Marge’s true intent, what she really meant,

Uh, transcended sexual leanings?

As protests thundered, many wondered

How Marge would react once she’s

Been introduced to an athlete who’s

Having breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Did Deion Sanders misunderstand

Her remark about guys being fruits?

Would it be feckless to wear his necklace,

The one with the 24-karat loops?

Well, Deion appeared, and people cheered

While Marge remained rather docile.

He wore golden globes in both his lobes

But nothing--whew!--in his nostrils.

Welcome to my town, and stick around!

Heard the player from his employer.

If you need a friend I can recommend

My own civil-rights case lawyer.

A conservative city, but Deion, pretty,

Decided ‘twas best to be bold.

As onlookers passed, to each he asked:

Do the Reds clash with my gold?

It remains to be seen if Cincy’s team

Wins the pennant at season’s end.

If Deion gets dirty and hits .330

Diamonds will be Marge’s best friend.

See, it doesn’t matter to every batter

Why the hometown crowd keeps cheering.

Yet there’s still one hitter we cannot picture.

Joe DiMaggio, wearing earrings.