A Summer Full of Independence Days : Kids start yearning for freedom around age 11, but they need a sense of autonomy without a burden of responsibility, Orange County parents and experts say.

Summertime, and the living is easy--unless you’re the parent of an 11- or 12-year-old child.

At that age, children usually start to feel the first stirrings of independence. They want more freedom to do as they please, away from the prying eyes of mom and dad. Summer camp, family vacations and any other activities orchestrated by adults suddenly have as much appeal as breaking rocks under the watchful gaze of armed guards.

For parents, deciding how much autonomy to give a child becomes especially difficult during the long summer months. That’s when older children start to develop ideas about how best to fill those hours of free time, leading to arguments over whether they will spend their summer playing the piano or POG.

Michael Hoy, principal of San Juan Elementary School in San Juan Capistrano, understands the problem well. Not only has he seen other parents struggle with the issue, his 11-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, is starting to desire more freedom.

“She wants a lot more autonomy but not always the responsibilities” that go with it, Hoy says. “She doesn’t have both halves of the equation yet.”

Like many parents, Hoy and wife Janie are trying to give their daughter more latitude while keeping her out of harm’s way.

“As parents we need to know where our children are, what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with,” he says.

Yet older children also need a little more space.

“When I was a kid I needed the freedom to do a lot of stupid things but not dangerous things. It’s a balancing act,” Hoy says.

This summer, instead of dictating every minute of Elizabeth’s day, her parents allowed her to choose the summer activities that interest her. She has enrolled in a Spanish class at Saddleback College, in addition to joining the Junior Lifeguards and the South Coast Aquatics Team.

“In all instances she’s with her peers in a relatively structured atmosphere,” Hoy says.

Her parents will also let her stay up later, go to her friend’s house more often and stay home alone for short periods during the day.

“At this age children are really trying to foster their own identity through autonomy. It’s a natural stage of development,” Hoy says.

As a school principal, Hoy has seen parents give up control too soon, allowing their children to come and go as they please. Some parents even cave in to the demands of 9-year-olds.

“Parents will substitute their children’s judgment for their own,” he says. “But when you compare a child’s judgment with the parent’s, it’s easy to see which is more trustworthy. When kids talk their parents into staying all day at the mall, they’re headed for trouble.”

How much freedom a parent should give a child depends on the child, he says.

“It’s thousands of interactions that take place over the course of a month, a year, a lifetime, that build a sense of trust and autonomy or mistrust and rebellion. At this age level, children will purchase through their actions a higher level of trust, which in turn will give them more autonomy, and so on.”

Jeannette Hogan of Laguna Niguel is just starting to give her 11-year-old daughter, Michelle Tener, more say in how she spends her free time.

“It’s a funny age. They go one step forward and one step back” toward independence, she says. “She doesn’t want to tag along with Mom anymore.”

Michelle feels too old to attend summer camp, so this year Hogan isn’t making her go. Instead she is allowing Michelle to pursue hobbies such as in-line skating, dancing and singing. Michelle plans to take voice lessons, but because Hogan is a stay-at-home mom, she does not have to worry about scheduling every minute of her daughter’s day.

“I like to keep (my children) under my wings,” Hogan says. “She can have all the freedom she wants as long as she’s home.”

At this age, many youngsters begin to rebel under the close supervision offered at some day-care centers and camps. Yet children who are 11 or 12 are not old enough to be entirely on their own, says Nancy New, a clinical psychologist in Laguna Niguel and former school psychologist.

That is especially true today, when activities once considered safe now seem filled with risks. Kids may want to explore the malls and beaches on their own, but many parents are reluctant to drop them off for a day of unsupervised recreation.

“It’s not that I don’t trust Michelle,” Hogan says. “It’s that I don’t trust the bad element out there. If she’s going to a show I prefer there to be a parent with her. I don’t allow her to hang out at the mall.”

Most parents, especially those who work outside the home, cannot stay home around the clock to protect and defend a 12-year-old. Yet they can still stay “on top of things” and know who their children are with and what they are doing, New says.

“Don’t leave children unsupervised,” New says. “Our job is to structure their days so they think they’re unstructured. Twelve-year-olds don’t want baby-sitters.” She advises parents to allow children to engage in “safe risks”--challenging activities such as sports, wilderness programs or camping.

“Get your children riding the waves. That’s exciting, calculated risk,” New says. “If you don’t give your child planned risk activities, they’ll take risks in other ways.”

Children look for trouble out of boredom, New says. Too many parents push children into activities they are not interested in.

Parents also need to consider a child’s interests when it comes to planning family activities, especially summer vacations.

“There comes a time when kids don’t want to be with their parents,” New says. “The key is to become involved in something cool. That usually means any kind of physical activity. The problem is parents try to get the kids involved in some kind of activity that (parents) like.

“You have to set yourself aside. You have to find something where everybody’s having a good time. That may not be going to the movies or golfing,” she says.

Camping ranks high on her list because “it builds a tremendous amount of character,” she says. A child learns to become self-sufficient by doing without amenities like bathrooms or running water.

City parks and recreation departments, schools, YMCAs, private camps, lifeguard programs, karate classes, libraries and other agencies all offer challenging programs for older children.

Saddleback Valley Unified School District’s recreation department provides summer programs for fifth- and sixth-graders that include field trips to places such as Universal Studios, ballparks and theater productions, as well as swimming, tennis, roller hockey and other sports.

“We used to have a day camp for all the elementary school children, but the fifth- and sixth-graders were bored,” says Tim Phelps, department director. “We’ve tried to make (their activities) more challenging.”

The kids are still supervised so “there’s no opportunity to get into trouble, but they get to hang with their friends,” Phelps says.

State law says children cannot be left alone until age 14, but most children start pining for their independence at age 11, says Kenny Brook, program director at the South Coast YMCA.

The YMCA offers sports, crafts, field trips, camps and other programs for the older kids that are a far cry from baby-sitting. The Extreme Sports Beach Camp, for example, teaches 11- and 12-year-olds how to hone their skills at activities they love to do at the beach, like bodyboarding, skim boarding and Smash Ball.

Brook’s advice: “Know your child’s interests and develop them. Give them a well-rounded experience, because it is a long summer.”