LAUGH LINES

Jay Leno, on a Redbook magazine report that it takes a woman four times longer to become sexually aroused than a man: “Four times longer. So what are we talking here, eight seconds?”

David Letterman, on President Clinton’s approval of Jimmy Carter’s role in negotiating the nuclear crisis with North Korea: “He’s so happy with the job Carter did, he’s thinking of asking President Reagan if he can’t settle this whole Bob Barker mess.”

Comic Argus Hamilton on Carter’s efforts: “He is 69. Somehow we knew that the first time the baby boomers in the White House faced a real problem, we’d have to get Dad to fix it.”

Hamilton says that the Clintons are planning their summer vacation, and that the President wants to stay with Ted Kennedy on Martha’s Vineyard if they can work out the details. “First, however, the guys need to find someplace to send their wives.”

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World Cup Update: Reader R. Alex Kaseberg reports that a recent survey indicates that more than 60% of Americans don’t know we are hosting soccer’s world championships. In the same survey, he adds, 14% think that Cameroon is a type of tea.

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that it’s “too damn hot” in the East: “Heat stroke makes you so delirious, you find World Cup soccer exciting.”

Jay Leno, on Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s new suicide machine: “With this one he shows you soccer matches until you’re bored to death.”

And finally . . . Reader Richard Ross says he’s been hearing a lot of talk about World Cup fever: “But so far, I experience it more as a mild headache.”

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Short takes: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the bidder who paid $36,000 for Elvis’ American Express card at an auction: “He may not have gotten such a good deal. With compound interest and penalties, it has an outstanding balance of $42,000.”

By a 7-2 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court cleared the way Monday for employers to enforce English Only rules in the workplace. So, if you ask your boss if it’s OK to speak Spanish at work, his response will probably be: “No way, Jose.”

--Tony Peyser

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All reader Stephen Douglas of Corona del Mar wanted was the leak fixed in his office ceiling. So, he notified the management company, which replied:

A contractor “will be meeting you at 3 p.m. this afternoon at the above location. The purpose of his visit is to remediate the roof-related water intrusion you have experienced.” Douglas called the management office and said he would need to reschedule the appointment:

I said I had a previous appointment with my doctor to “re-medicate the airborne-propelled bacterial assault incorporated within my chest cavity.” Douglas had a slight case of bronchitis.