LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Three views on the latest staff shake-up at the White House:

* Comedy writer Bob Mills says it was yet another demonstration of the Clintons’ close Hollywood ties: “When the President decided to sack Mack McLarty, he asked Andrew Lloyd Webber to handle it for him.”

* Comic Argus Hamilton says everyone in Washington knew about it when “they saw the White House helicopters all flying to the golf course in the traditional Missing Staff Member Formation.”

* Comedy writer Tony Peyser says it was “the first Big Mac Attack the President ever had when he didn’t order fries.”

*

Short Takes: Reader Mitch Jones of L.A., on the closing of “Sunset Blvd.”: “I guess it proves the adage: Old actresses never die, they just Fayed away.”

Comic Doug Babbit, on boxer Evander Holyfield’s recent claim that his heart ailment was cured by faith healer Benny Hinn: “Great. Now let’s see if this guy can do something about Don King’s hair.”

Bob Hope, during an appearance at the Royal Albert Hall in London, about his heritage: “I was born in England. My parents were English. We were too poor to be British.”

Alan King, on telling his mother at a young age that he wanted to be a comic: “She replied, ‘First, you’ll be a doctor.’ Said his pragmatic father: ‘Let’s all be happy. You’ll be a funny doctor.’ ”

*

Bernie was a businessman who didn’t have as much money as he wanted. So he prayed, “Please God, you gotta help me. I’ve done wonderful things all my life, given money to charity, I’ve helped other people, I’d like to win the lottery.”

Sure enough, the next week Bernie wins $5 million in the lottery. He buys a $125,000 car and a beachfront condo, divorces his wife, gets a nose job, face lift, fantastic toupee and expensive new wardrobe.

Later, he’s driving along the Hollywood Freeway with his young starlet girlfriend when suddenly he smashes into an abutment. He’s thrown 30 feet from his car, his suit is ripped, his toupee falls off, his face is smashed and there are bruises all over his body.

Bernie looks to the heavens and cries out: “Oh God, why did you do this to me?”

A voice from heaven sounds out: “Sorry Bernie, I didn’t recognize you.”

--Gary Owens

*

Reader Del Wells recalls an incident that happened 44 years ago in Burbank:

A dozen children were swimming in his new homemade pool. A chemist at Lockheed had assembled half a dozen tubes for him to test for chlorine and he brought them home. The children watched as he compared a water sample from the pool with the test tubes:

“What’s that?” one child asked.

I seized the opportunity and replied: “Now I will be able to tell who doesn’t know the way to the bathroom.”

I completed the test and looked around to a silent, deserted back yard. I didn’t swim for a couple days.