Cup Runneth Over the Boys of Summer in Numerous Ways
The international and national pastimes are going head to head on the same soil for the first time, and, in an upset, the national pastime is getting kicked around a bit.
According to numbers released by ESPN this week, its broadcast of the United States-Colombia World Cup match drew a rating of 4.5--better than twice the 1.9 share it has been averaging for its prime time baseball telecasts.
How is this possible, you ask?
Oh, I can think of two or three or 30 reasons. . . .
1. Soccer has Alexi Lalas, the wild-maned, orange-goateed, rock guitar-playing, cherry Slurpee-swilling, head-banging United States defender who is given to such off-kilter observations as, “We need the culture police in the stands, saying, ‘Hey, it’s culture, leave it alone.’ So what if they’re sacrificing a goat, let it go. It’s the World Cup.” Baseball has Tom Lawless.
2. Soccer players are paid huge sums of money for their unparalleled skill, agility, stamina, leg strength and mid-air acrobatics. Baseball players are paid huge sums of money.
3. Soccer players run virtually non-stop for 90 minutes amid searing on-field temperatures that sometimes reach 120 degrees. Baseball players beat out an infield grounder and complain that there’s no beer in the clubhouse.
4. With two 45-minute halves, a 15-minute intermission and two to five minutes of “injury time,” most soccer games clock in under two hours. After two hours, most baseball games aren’t out of the fifth inning.
5. Soccer players play the ball off their shins, thighs, ankles, knees, chests, hips, shoulders and heads. When he plays left field for the Phillies, so does Pete Incaviglia.
6. After soccer games, fans light fireworks and throw them in the air. After baseball games, players light fireworks and throw them at the fans.
7. When someone scores a goal on a Univision World Cup telecast, Andres Cantor notes the event with a frenzied, passionate, up-from-the-diaphragm exhortation of “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!” Baseball hasn’t heard anything like it since “The Giants win the pennant!” and that was 43 years ago.
8. No on-base percentage, slugging percentage, total average, total bases, quality starts, at-bats-per-home run ratio, at- bats- per- bench- clearing- brawl ratio and national- anthem- sung- on- artificial- turf- with- the- wind- blowing- out efficiency in soccer. Just goals.
9. That bicycle kick Marcelo Balboa almost put in against Colombia? Let’s see Kent Hrbek try it.
10. In Wednesday’s sports action, the Oakland Athletics defeated the California Angels, 1-0, and the Netherlands defeated Morocco, 2-1. Too many 1-0 games in baseball.
11. Marge Schott doesn’t own a soccer team.
12. Under baseball’s drug-abuse policy, Diego Maradona would have six more chances.
13. No Bebeto trading cards on the Home Shopping Network.
14. A Russian scoring five goals in a World Cup match against Cameroon is like Rex Hudler hitting five grand slams in Game 3 of the World Series. The difference is that in soccer, these things do happen.
15. A corner kick in soccer is a suspenseful and exciting event, often resulting in the ball being headed toward the net in an impossible angle and the goalkeeper leaping out of his socks to try to thwart it. A corner kick in baseball means Dean Palmer has booted another one.
16. In soccer’s “Group of Death,” Italy, Ireland, Mexico and Norway all finished with .500 records. In baseball’s “Group of Death,” the Rangers, Mariners, A’s and Angels should be so lucky.
17. When soccer players grab their crotches in public--bracing for a free kick that will send the ball screaming toward their midsections at 90 to 100 miles per hour--they do so for a very good reason.
18. George Will doesn’t write about soccer.
19. Tony Meola, smart Jersey kid, was drafted by the New York Yankees, but decided he’d rather play for the World Cup Yankees.
20. In soccer, Bora is a coach. In baseball, Bora is an often-used descriptive term for the game in progress.
21. One-named soccer players such as Romario and Bebeto have an almost mystical, mythical air about them. If baseball tried the same thing, we’d be left with Chuck, Hal, Phil, George and Fred.
22. No rotisserie soccer leagues. Yet.
23. Group play in the World Cup--where four teams play for two weeks to eliminate the weak sisters before moving onto the second round--is a great idea baseball should adopt. If baseball had group play, the Angels would be in Trinidad today, trying to qualify for 1995.
24. International soccer writers have the right idea: Don’t bother with postgame quotes, just rip away from atop the ivory tower. American baseball writers, meanwhile, waste the best years of their adult lives waiting alongside rank locker stalls so they fill their game reports with such pithy observations as “I was just looking for something to hit” and “I been throwing a whole lot better since Marcel changed my arm angle.”
25. In soccer, the Old Boys Club is a professional team in Argentina. In baseball, it’s the managerial pool.
26. In soccer, players can’t handle the ball with their hands. In baseball, neither can Jose Offerman.
27. At a Netherlands World Cup game, you can hear the fans humming the triumphal march of “Aida.” At an Ireland World Cup game, you can hear the fans belting out the timeless standard “Molly Malone.” At a Minnesota Twins game, you can hear the fans singing along to John Denver’s “Thank God I’m A Country Boy.”
28. Soccer uniforms are cooler than baseball uniforms. That traffic-pylon-in-a-paint-fight number worn by Mexican goalie Jorge Campos has the Houston Astros eating their hearts out.
29. No one in baseball can tailgate like the Brazilians.
30. In soccer and baseball, strikers are expected to dominate the headlines this summer. Only in soccer, this is considered a good thing.
