Do You Read Me? Expert Says It’s Often a Touchy Subject

Phill Miller paced back and forth in the classroom at Pierce College, eyeing the 20 people who had come to hear him unlock the secrets of body language.

“Looking around the room, I can tell a lot about each of you,” declared Miller, a white-haired stand-up comedian, corporate consultant and sometime teacher from Calabasas.

“I can tell what you’re thinking--and shame on you, sir!”

The laughter that rippled through the room showed Miller he had already won over his audience. They had paid $24 apiece to hear Miller provide the key to the mystery that perplexes us all, the most basic of human queries:

“Do you like me? Do you really, really like me?”

Miller says men take 30 seconds to make up their minds whether they are interested in somebody or not. Women, shallow creatures that we are--or faster thinking--take just three seconds.

But Miller says he can show us what to look for in those crucial early moments. Sure, the lips may say, “No, no, no.” But the hands, the feet, even the pupils of the eyes may be saying, “Yes, yes, YES! “

Think of the opportunities, once body language is mastered. Promotions at work. Success in romance. Why, we could rule the world, or at least be more fun at parties.

We started with an exercise, crossing our arms, in the fashion of Mr. Clean. Go ahead, cross ‘em.

Most people--about 75% of the population--cross their arms left over right, Miller said. If you are a lefty-over, you are the mainstream.

And, according to Miller: You are introverted, a linear thinker, fond of words and numbers. Detail-oriented, you could write nonfiction for a living or program a computer. You are nature’s ideal bean counter. Or a politician, an attorney, perhaps even a burglar.

Lefty-on-tops worry a lot, and their feelings are easily hurt. They crave praise, have scruples and consider arguments to be intellectual exercises.

But those who cross their arms right over left are extroverts and very visually oriented, Miller says.

Hey, that’s me. I have found my people.

We think in pictures, our brains spinning nonstop videos. We have problems with deadlines (note to editor: shut up) and can create chaos out of order. But we make dandy musicians and artists and actors, even magicians and statesmen. We see the big picture, we’re high-concept. Writing fiction comes easily (note to editor: shut up again).

We take risks. We laugh easily. Miller says we are quite attractive to the opposite sex.

Who am I to argue?

Miller pointed out that no one is 100% righty or lefty, so the characteristics are a mixed bag.

But after the self-knowledge came the good stuff: how to read others.

Everyone projects unconscious clues, Miller says. The best news is open palms, and a forward-leaning stance. That means the other person is open to you. Pupils dilated? Oh, they like you all right. (Or perhaps it’s just getting dark.)

Thumbs up means the person is feeling a bit superior to you. Crossed arms say, “No trespassing.” Crossed arms with thumbs up means “Out of my way, road kill.”

Interlaced fingers signal frustration. Fingertips steepled together indicate confidence. But if someone rubs a hand over their face or mouth while they speak, they are lying. If this gets you fired, expelled, divorced, evicted or sentenced to death, complain to Miller, not me. But that’s what he says.

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Locked ankles speak volumes of fear. Legs crossed at the calves and the ankles means the human pretzel is thinking about sex, Miller says.

While Miller ran through his list of body language tips for job interviews, I took a look around. Fine, the room was full of polite body language. But everyone leaned forward, and several sets of pupils dilated when the topic turned to romance.

However, these are dangerous waters. The signals come naturally, Miller said, but some people have learned to fake them.

Eye contact is a good thing. Lots of it could mean a trip on the Love Boat. In normal conversation, we make eye contact about 60% of the time. More than that means the other party is interested in more than just conversation.

Fidgeting signals more than a case of nerves. It also means: “Look at me!”

“Movement attracts attention and that’s why we move,” Miller said. Squirming, on the other hand, probably means deceit. Time to check the tan line on the ring finger.

And everything Cosmo has ever told you about leaning is true, girls. If he invades your space, it means he wants to invade your bed, your checkbook, your refrigerator, your life. Good thing we can see those guys coming now.

Laughter is a good sign. But wait. It’s a bad sign if someone laughs with their eyes open, a tip-off that he or she’s a phony. So no need to wait for those Hollywood air kisses and a lunch date that will never happen.

The $75 clue, though, is touching. People don’t touch people they don’t like, according to Miller. Women who play with men’s ties and lapels are waaaaaay interested. (Did you need us to tell you that? Can you spell . . . “thick”?) Men place their hands on their hips, rock on their toes, hold their heads high and perhaps, if they have the stuff, fondle their chest hair, Miller says.

He adds that a woman can return the compliment by mimicking the man’s behavior (although chest hair fondling rarely has the desired effect).

Once you’ve mastered the love signals, you are ready for Miller’s next course, at Pierce Aug. 11: “Where Singles Meet.”

Time to flex those pupils and curl a few chest hairs.