Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: KCBS-TV Channel 2 has retracted a story by reporter Harvey Levin, which purported to show that prosecutor Marcia Clark was at O.J. Simpson’s estate before a search warrant was obtained. As a result, says investigative comedy reporter Tony Peyser, KCBS News Director Bob Jordan has indefinitely postponed Levin’s two-part interview with Amelia Earhart. There is no truth to the rumor however, reports comedy writer Bob (Woodward) Mills, that KCBS is changing the name of its news shows to RetrACTION NEWS.

Boxing promoter Don King has been indicted for insurance fraud. On the brighter side, says comedy writer Mark Miller, King will be able to see Mike Tyson more often. The grand jury that indicted King, adds Mills, came within one vote of also charging him with criminal misuse of hair-care products.

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Roseanne Arnold’s claims that Tom Arnold abused her with cruel bear hugs: “All the judge has to do on this charge is measure the length of his arms. Case dismissed.”

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Doc watch: A group of doctors now says that a ruptured disk no longer always causes back pain, says Jay Leno: “A group of lawyers, however, says, ‘Yes it does.’ ”

Leno, on news that 32 doctors are running for Congress: “Imagine being both a doctor and a congressman. This would be strange. Half the time you’re thinking you’re God, telling women to take their clothes off. And the other half you’re a doctor.”

Leno, on a veterinarians group advocating regular medical checkups for the fish in your aquarium: “This has got to be a great scam. . . . ‘You know Mr. Johnson, sure you could go down to the pet store and get a new goldfish for about a buck. Personally, I’d recommend the $4,500 gill transplant.’ ”

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O Solo Mio: The biggest surprise of “Encore! The Three Tenors” concert Saturday at Dodger Stadium, says comedy writer Peyser, came when Pavarotti, Carreras and Domingo closed the show with a Village People medley. Due to budget cuts at some PBS affiliates, Peyser adds, viewers in some parts of the country only got to see “The Two Tenors.”

Fans who couldn’t afford concert tickets, says comedy writer Mills, were treated to an impromptu performance in the Dodger Stadium parking lot--by Opera Man from “Saturday Night Live.”

For those of you who missed Saturday’s final score: Pavarotti won 3-2, says comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, with a bass hit up the middle.

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* Seen, by Ivana Redwine of Cypress, written in chalk on a sidewalk near a popular surfing beach:

“We came. We surfed. We split.”

* Seen, by Tony Kroll of Altadena, on the license-plate frame of a car driven by a young woman in Pasadena:

“Romeo, Romeo . . . Where the hell are you?”