LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among the Top 10 lines rejected by Neil Armstrong when he first stepped on the moon, according to David Letterman:

* “One small step for man, 10 million frequent flier miles for me.”

* “When I spit, it floats upward.”

* “A special thank-you to a youngster named David Letterman, who knit us the lovely space socks.”

* “Hey, I can see Rush Limbaugh from here!”

* “Are you watching, Dorothy Shinbach? Would you go to the prom with me now , Dorothy Shinbach?”

* “Goooaaalllll!”

* “I’m Mr. Galakawitz. You mean Dr. Galakawitz? Yes I am.”

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In the news: Jay Leno, on the report that says Mexican food is bad for you because of all the fat and salt in it: “Who would have ever guessed that the healthiest part of a Mexican food meal would turn out to be eating the worm in the tequila bottle?”

Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “So now we finally find out what NAFTA really stands for: Never Ask for Tacos Again .”

Mills, on the new scented Crayons for kids: “They come in 16 aromas, including cherry, chocolate, licorice and banana. A special set for kids in Beverly Hills offers Beluga caviar, lobster bisque, truffles and a French Chardonnay.”

The Clinton Administration has decided to put off any armed invasion of Haiti until at least September, reports comedy writer Tony Peyser. Anonymous White House sources attribute the delay to geography: “Several young Clinton advisers can’t agree whether Haiti is on the left part of the island and the Dominican Republic is on the right, or vice versa.”

Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen is cracking down on counterfeiters, says comic Argus Hamilton: “First, he’s having all currency redesigned. Next, he’s going to tell Bill Clinton that he’s no Jack Kennedy.”

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Short takes: One advantage of being a celebrity is that when you are talking and boring someone to death, they think it’s their fault. --Patricia Merrill

Mom’s advice, from reader Katherine Poehlmann:

Age 2: Don’t.

Age 6: Don’t waste.

Age 10: Don’t waste time.

Age 16: Don’t waste time on men.

Age 20: Don’t waste time on men with no money.

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Reader E. Niessen Davis of Solana Beach says his granddaughter, 3, was enchanted with a new puppy until it knocked her down:

She was weeping and I immediately picked her up and told her, “He didn’t mean it. He’s only a baby dog. When he gets older, you’ll have a lot of fun with him.”

Her sobs subsided to rumbling gasps: “When . . . when is . . . when is his birthday?”