LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno, on the Republican party: “I finally figured out why their symbol is an elephant. They’re impossible to move, they only have sex every few months and it takes years to clean up after them.”

Leno, on Sen. Robert Dole’s 71st birthday: “That’s an awkward age. He is too old to be on “Beverly Hills 90210,” but too young to marry Anna Nicole Smith.”

Comic Argus Hamilton on the 26-year-old Smith’s marriage to Howard Marshall III, 89: “She was a little worried on her wedding night. Mother never told her about CPR.”

Conan O’Brien on Hillary Clinton and the Health Security Express: “I just heard that she received a threat. If the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, the health care plan is going to blow up.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser on a federal judge ordering the Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner as its first-ever female cadet: “Faulkner was pleased with the ruling and hopes it will have many positive repercussions--such as book and TV movie contracts and lucrative speaking engagements.”

It’s the most ominous sign yet that the U. S. is on the brink of war with Haiti, says comedy writer Bob Mills: “CNN has parachuted Peter Arnett and Wolf Blitzer into Port-au-Prince, wearing full battle gear.”

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Short takes: “Paramount has just released a new version of ‘Lassie,’ updated for the ‘90s. Now when Timmy shouts, ‘Get help! Get help!’ Lassie checks into the Betty Ford Clinic.”

-- H. Chambers, Burbank

“L. A. is certainly the place for new, off-beat religions. I recently attended a lecture on one called Opieology , based on the writings of L. Ron Howard.”

-- Floyd Sprague, Van Nuys

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On the air: When reporters questioned Dan Quayle about his plan to put a man on the sun by the year 2,000, saying a space ship would burn up before it even got close, the ex-vice president replied: “We’ve got that problem solved. We’ll only fly at night.”

-- Robert W. Morgan Show, KRTH FM (101.1)

“It’s kind of frightening when you realize that Jupiter has had more good hits lately than the Dodgers or the Angels.”

-- Lance Ballance, KOST FM (103.5)

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A down-hearted diner in greasy spoon asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn’t say a thing.

“Hey,” he says, “what about the kind words?”

She replies: “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”

-- Jim Hayes

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Just the Facts (Cont.): Reader Ron Rosen of South Pasadena says a friend was explaining the facts of life to his adopted son, 9:

When the father finished, the son replied: “How gross! I’m glad you and mom didn’t have to do that to get me.”