LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Ford Motor Co. announcing record profits for the second quarter: “I guess they sold a lot of cars. And I’m sure that two-hour Ford Bronco commercial didn’t hurt either.”

Leno, on Robert Shapiro’s reprimand from the California State Athletic Commission for sparring with a professional fighter: “I say leave well enough alone. Let him do it. Who wouldn’t pay big money to see a pro boxer just beat the hell out of a lawyer?”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that a foundation funded by Hollywood Park, Bank of America and Southern California Edison has leased a $4,000-a-month condo for Gov. Pete Wilson and his wife to use: “This proves Wilson can’t be bought--only leased. It also establishes his going rate.”

Republican gubernatorial candidate Michael Huffington says he now wants to be known as just “Mike.” Some critics, Peyser reports, say this is no more than a cheap ploy to make the millionaire seem just like a regular Joseph.

Sen. Alphonse D’Amato says evidence in the hearings on the Whitewater land deal will show that the White House concealed, disguised and distorted the truth. “So what?” says comic Argus Hamilton. “Is there any other way to sell real estate?”

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Quickly: “I dated a vegetarian. Real strict. Wouldn’t even eat animal crackers.” --Dana Snow

“Our real estate agent says that a major selling point for our house is quick police response. We’re within shouting distance of a Winchell’s.” --Katherine Poehlmann

Woodstock ’94 attendees will be served by 1,300 medical specialists, half of whom will be gerontologists. --Bob Mills

“One of my cousins just flunked out of medical school. He was too squeamish, tending to faint at the sight of money.” --Stan Kaplan

“I just learned that metals worth $1.89 are in the human body. I know where the lead is, but could someone please tell me where the other metals are located?” --William Lurie

“In an ecumenical spirit, Jews and Catholics got together to write liturgy to be shared at services. They call it ‘Oy Vey Maria.’ ” --Kathleen Brady

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Reader Eric Foumberg of Encino says his daughter, 9, complained to him that her younger brother, 6, was bothering her and her friends. Not wanting to spend much time on this problem, Dad called his son over and said, “Will you leave the girls alone or would you like a knuckle sandwich?”

After a few seconds of thought, my son replied: “Just the bread, please.”