LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on President Clinton making concessions in the crime bill to win bipartisan support: “One change is that whenever Atty. Gen. Janet Reno is photographed with GOP leaders, she must wear flats.”

Peyser, on La Liz suing NBC to block a miniseries on her life: “Her lawyers are asking for $10 million--or about 5 million pills for back pain.”

Jay Leno says it was so hot in Southern California last week that O.J.’s lawyers were seen huddling around Marcia Clark “just to get a cold stare.”

Leno, on some veterinarians now prescribing Prozac for dogs: “Animal rights activists are thrilled. Things have come full circle. Finally, a drug for animals that has been tested on humans first.”

Comic Argus Hamilton wonders if Congress will ever take a stand on health care: “If these folks were in session in 1776, they’d have told England to give us liberty, or at least give us a little wiggle room.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray says the baseball strike affects more that just the players: “It affects their limo drivers, drug counselors and therapists.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that you’ve gone to a bad chiropractor:

* When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.

* Repeatedly asks, “You a cop? You sure you ain’t a cop?”

* Over and over you hear crunching sounds followed by “uh-oh.”

* There’s a two-drink minimum.

* At end of session, lies down on table and says, “My turn!”

* Rushes in late, still wearing his Burger King uniform.

* You’re fully clothed and he’s naked.

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From the Gags Gang at Funny Stuff newsletter:

A quick guide to Beverly Hills philosophy:

* To earn is human, to spend is divine.

* Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his Guccis.

* Man does not live by quiche alone.

* When the going gets tough, the tough get Bob Shapiro.

Questions that must be asked:

* How come Salman Rushdie is in hiding and Kathie Lee Gifford isn’t?

* Do nudists suffer from static cling?

* If foreign films are so good, how come we don’t make them in this country?

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Irwin Zucker of Hollywood says his twin grandsons, Max and Miles, 5, were playing with a friend until the other child had to leave. A despondent Max went to Grandpa, saying he now had no one to play with. Zucker told him to play with his brother.

“I can’t,” Max replied. “I already used him up.”