LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the O.J. Simpson hearings: “Big story is that there was a DNA match. The skin and blood under Marcia Clark’s fingernails match a sample from around Robert Shapiro’s neck.

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the impeccable credentials of the technician who matched hair samples in the Simpson case: “Four years at MIT, two years with Interpol and three summers as personal assistant to Sy Sperling.”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on accusations Princess Di made more than 300 crank calls: “She denies it. But strangely enough, the Earl next door says he keeps getting unwanted pizza deliveries.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that L.A. Kings President Bruce McNall will plead guilty to four federal charges: “Sources expect him to get from six to nine years in the penalty box.” Mills adds that McNall will be charged with “conspiracy, bank and mail fraud, and icing.”

Leno, on a new book that claims Lee Iacocca attempted to sell Chrysler Corp. to the Ford Motor Co. in 1991: “I guess Ford thought they’d agreed on a price, but then Iacocca said that it didn’t include dealer prep, undercoating, rust proofing, floor mats and various trim items.’

The Cuban exodus has brought an unexpected problem for the United States, says Mills: “Half of those seeking asylum claim to be related to Desi Arnaz.”

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Hooray for Hollywood: Leno, on the hard-to-believe premises of movies such as “Angels in the Outfield” and “Mask”: “The most unbelievable is ‘The Client,’ where a lawyer takes a case for a dollar.”

Peyser, on actor Mickey Rourke, charged with spousal abuse: “Hollywood insiders agree that his mug shot was the best and most interesting picture he’s done in years.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Marlon Brando writing his memoirs: “Throughout his life, there’s always been one offer he couldn’t refuse--dessert.”

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Reader file: “Just wondering: If pro is the opposite of con , is progress the opposite of Congress ?”

--Karen Kobey, Agoura Hills

What is the name of the new movie starring Andre the Seal? Feed Willy .

--Ron Robertson, Manhattan Beach

Apple has announced that it is developing a computer small enough to be carried in a fanny pack. It will be called the Macintush .

--Tom Cloud, Santa Monica

“The best get-well-soon cards are four Aces.”

--Walker Owens, Indian Wells

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Reader Linda Stock of Calabasas and her husband reminisced with daughter Sara, 6, about the day she was born. Sara asked what time she was born, and her mom replied, “A few minutes before midnight.”

Sara looked puzzled, then asked: “What were you doing up so late?”