Remodeling? Put Patience in the Blueprints : When walls come down, tempers can flare up and test even the most solid of family foundations.

If Sharon and Bob Gordon needed a warning about what a big home remodeling project could do to a family, they only had to look out the front door. A neighboring couple tore down their old house and were in the process of rebuilding it when they divorced. The skeleton-like, unfinished frame was a reminder of how the stress of construction can lead to a family’s deconstruction.

But in October, 1992, the Gordons went ahead with a yearlong project to add a den and bedroom to their Orange Park Acres house, just as they brought their new baby daughter home from the hospital. “It was a little frightening, but we felt it was something we needed to do,” says Sharon Gordon. “During that year there were some tough moments, but we needed the added space, so we just tried to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.”

Getting through a remodel with your family intact takes planning, patience and, probably, a little luck.

“During a stressful living situation, any flaws in a relationship are going to be tested,” says Jane Van Wagoner, a marriage, family and child counselor in Fullerton. “It’s often hard to communicate clearly when under stress, which leads to problems.”

Steve and Marcia Schechter of Fountain Valley had planned the remodeling of their home in three phases. In the first year’s project, they remodeled the kitchen and expanded the family room. The following year, in a less taxing project, they had their master bedroom redone. But this year they decided not to knock down any more walls.

“We just felt that we’re not ready for this again,” says Marcia Schechter. “We went through two years of construction, and now we need a break.”

The Schechters had to deal with one of the most common causes of remodeling stress--delays. “Our contractor estimated that it would take two months to redo the kitchen and family room. By the time it was finished, nine months had passed,” she says.

Problems with kitchen cabinets, which had to be returned to the factory several times before they fit, took the most time. “When they were delivered the second time and I saw that they still weren’t right, I could feel my stomach tie up in knots. We were trying to live in this house that was all torn up, and it just felt that it would never be right.”

The delays created some tense moments for the Schechters.

“It was like ‘Here we go again,’ another delay. But we knew that this was a project we were committed to. If we both didn’t have the same desire to continue the remodel, it wasn’t worth the trouble. If it had been either of us who pushed the other person along into doing it, there would have been problems between us,” says Marcia Schechter.

“We needed a good sense of humor to survive,” says Steve Schechter. “You need to be able to laugh while you’re writing big checks and waiting for your house to be livable again.”

Having both partners involved in a remodeling project can help relieve tension. “Part of the planning stage should be spent learning about each of your expectations,” says Barbara Kreedman, a psychologist based in Santa Ana. “Define your roles. If one person gets stuck with the majority of the work, resentment can grow.”

The kitchen is not just a place to prepare and eat food, it’s where a family interacts much of the time. Good planning helped the Schechters adjust to life without a kitchen. Marcia was able to cook the favorites she, Steve and their teen-age daughter, Ann, enjoyed when they had plumbing and a real stove.

“I had prepared meals and kept them in our deep freeze in the garage. We had set up a microwave and coffee-maker in other rooms, and we were able to eat well for a while,” Marcia Schechter says. “I also did some gourmet cooking and was amazed at what one can do without a kitchen. It meant cutting up a salad in the bathroom sometimes, but it worked.”

While the Schechters decided to tough it out and remain in their house during their remodeling, that’s not always possible.

Gilbert and Debra Navarro of Tustin had two bedrooms and a bath added, making their single-level home a two-story one this summer. “When you’re having a new story built, it just becomes too much of a mess to live in,” says Debra Navarro.

Although they thought they could tough it out themselves, their two young daughters couldn’t, so Debra Navarro and the girls moved in with her parents for most of the construction. “They were bothered by the noise and having their home torn up. And our oldest, who is 6, has asthma, so we didn’t want to take a chance with all the dust that was flying around,” she says.

Gilbert Navarro, who runs his computer design business from home, decided to stay put. “I set up an office in the garage, which wasn’t easy since it’s not air conditioned. But eventually I got into a routine where I wasn’t working during afternoons when it got too hot in there.”

Even though they were separated by only a few miles, having Gilbert Navarro stay at the house and Debra and the girls at her parents’ made for a sometimes difficult summer. “There were times when we’d both be tired and tempers were short,” says Debra Navarro. “We just had to vent sometimes. The separation wasn’t easy, but we frequently took off by ourselves just to talk. When we were together though, we usually ended talking about the house.”

The Navarros tried to shield their daughters from as much project-related stress as possible. “We couldn’t just take them from their house, from their own rooms, make them share a bed for a couple of months and expect them to be perfectly behaved,” Gilbert Navarro says. “They acted out a lot, and that was hard on me. I didn’t want to see them affected.”

Says psychologist Kreedman: “Children need to have consistency in their lives to feel secure. They need to see that although a remodeling project might change their room, it’s the same room they’ve had.”

By sharing the project with the entire family so that no one feels left out, children can see the turmoil in a positive way. “If they feel like they’re a part of the project, they’re not as likely to feel anger toward it for disrupting their lives,” Kreedman says.

She says children commonly resent a remodeling disruption when they see their parents arguing over it. “They associate the project as bad, especially if their parents spend time away from them working on it. They need to be assured that the project is good.”

Although an older child will understand the work being done to their house, they may not like it. “It’s important to be honest with them, show that you care about their concerns about the project and (that) you’re interested in what they have to say,” says counselor Van Wagoner. “If and when problems develop with the project, don’t keep things from them. When they see their parents on edge, it’s important for them to know that they’re not the cause.”

The Gordons, who spent a year living in a half-built house with a new baby, found that much of the strain was caused by trying to keep at least part of their home normal. “We were very conscious about keeping out the dust in our living areas, but it wasn’t easy. We were constantly laying out paper on the carpeting and cleaning, but it never seemed enough,” says Sharon Gordon.

“This is the worst part of remodeling for some people,” says psychologist Kreedman. “Someone with obsessive-compulsive tendencies who likes order might feel completely out of control. Being aware of these tendencies within you can help you through this.”

The key to remodeling and keeping the family together appears to be planning.

“Try to picture how you’ll get along in a huge mess and what added responsibilities each person will have,” Van Wagoner says. “Try to be creative and keep as much continuity to the house as possible. But also be aware that no matter how prepared you are, some things are going to go wrong, and there’s bound to be friction. You’ll need an attitude of ‘We’re in this together.’ ”