LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Princess Di’s upcoming visit to Washington: “President Clinton is picking her up at the airport on a horse.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Saddam Hussein agreeing to a Russian peace proposal: “This is history. It’s the first time Iraq ever agreed to a peace proposal, and the first time Russia ever offered one.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the burglary of a Price Club in Redwood City, Calif.: “Police are looking for a suspect who is carrying jewelry, a VCR and a 50-gallon jug of milk.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on scientists aboard a research submarine discovering two male octopuses engaged in sex: “This only lends further credence to the typical single female octopus’s lament: ‘All the good ones are either married or gay.’ ”

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That’s entertainment: Hamilton, on the Steven Spielberg-Jeffrey Katzenberg-David Geffen partnership: “These guys take themselves way too seriously. They’ve scheduled their next meeting at Yalta.”

David Letterman, on Robert MacNeil’s retirement from the MacNeil-Lehrer News Hour on PBS: “I think I speak for all Americans when I say, ‘Which one was MacNeil?’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on cutbacks at CBS after a disastrous third quarter: “To reduce costs in the immediate future, David Letterman will lay off Mujabar but keep Sirajul.”

Comedy writer David Schendlinger, on the $20-million copyright infringement lawsuit against a new liberal talk show, “After the Rush,” filed by Rush Limbaugh’s producers: “The new show may avoid litigation by changing the name to ‘After the Big Fat Tub of Lard Blowhard Melonhead.’ ”

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Quickly: “Ahhh, autumn in L.A., when throngs of tourists come to see the smog change colors.”

--Larry Swerdlow The most important question for prospective jurors in the O.J. Simpson trial? How can you possibly live in L.A. on $5 a day?

--Mark Miller Raritan, N.J., has passed a law making it a crime to swear in public. “It’s a darn good law, but damned near impossible to enforce.”

--Bert Feinberg “I say the things that all politicians say. I just use shorter sentences.”

--Presidential candidate Pat Paulsen *

During a recent heat wave, the air-conditioning system broke down where reader Donna Colin of L.A. works, and various snafus delayed its repair for several days. Staff morale plummeted as office temperatures climbed into the 90s, and the building manager apologized for the repair delay. Employees were too hot and miserable to pay much attention to his memo until they got to this part:

“Please bare with us during this difficult period!”