LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the request that the Simpson trial be postponed for a year and that the defendant be released on bail until then: “O.J. is certainly no flight risk. Robert Shapiro has made sure he hasn’t got enough money left for a plane ticket.”

Hamilton, on Hollywood Boulevard sinking nine inches from subway tunneling: “Oh, come on. As far as Hollywood has sunk in the last 50 years, what’s another nine inches?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Halloween: “It’s the time when strange sorcerers contact the spiritual world. That can only mean one thing: Arianna Huffington is stumping for her husband again.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Pope’s new book: “Each chapter opens with a question from an journalist, such as: Does God really exist? Why does God tolerate suffering? With so many talented actors out of work, why is Pauly Shore a star?” The Pope’s book is historically faithful, says comedy writer Bob Mills: “It sells for 30 drachmas.”

Jay Leno, on a report that men who run have better sex lives: “For a lot of men, running a race is a lot like sex. . . . They’re always jumping the gun, they treat every event like it’s a 100-yard dash, and they think the goal is to finish first.”

Leno, on the consumer-group study released this week that most seafoods in the U.S. meet reasonable health standards: “Oh, yeah? If it’s all so safe, where’s Mr. Paul?”

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Washington report: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Supreme Court clearing the way to send Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry to jail for his part in a 1992 anti-abortion demonstration: “Terry could wind up behind bars for three trimesters.”

Ray, on President Clinton’s plans to visit U.S. troops in Kuwait: “The President has drawn a line in the sand. Our soldiers won’t go home until his approval ratings go up.”

Miller, on the President saying “he’s not smart enough” to help his daughter with her math homework anymore: “Chelsea replied that if that’s his attitude, he can just forget about any more of her help on foreign policy.”

The President does, however, help Chelsea with current-affairs homework, reports Mills: “He is particularly good with questions such as: If two Cabinet members are forced to resign under a cloud, is there still government? “

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Reader Fatima Bayati was talking with her cousin Nathan, 7, when he told her of the demise of his pet goldfish and guppies. She asked if they were to be buried or flushed down the toilet. The boy, taken aback, said he’d already buried them. Feeling insensitive about her flushing suggestion, Bayati reassured him that his pets were probably already in the beautiful waters of fish heaven.

Nathan thought for a few minutes, then said: “Yeah, that’s a lot better than going to toilet heaven.”