Jokes

Not our type: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the movie “Interview With the Vampire”: “Hundreds of IRS agents picketed the opening, charging the cast with defamation of character. . . . After seeing the picture, one local film critic gave Tom Cruise a B-positive and Christian Slater an O .”

Among the questions author Anne Rice should have asked the vampire, according to John Boston in Son of Escape entertainment guide:

* Would listening to the Beatles’ “Here Comes the Sun” affect you adversely?

* Have you ever held office in California’s 25th congressional district?

* Do you have a dog? What’s its name? Can it go outside during the day?

* We know you’re scared of crucifixes. What about the Star of David?

* Can you beat up Batman?

* How come vampires have greasy hair? Don’t you guys ever use cream rinse?

* If you sleep all day in a coffin, what happens when you have to get up in the middle of the afternoon to go to the bathroom?

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In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the killer bees: “They’re having a tough time getting to L.A. Every time they make it to the county line, gang gunfire drives them back to Orange County.”

Sydney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower madam, has been hired to report on the Heidi Fleiss trial for “America’s Talking.” Unless, reports Mills, “Barrows is called as an expert witness.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on D.A. Gil Garcetti denying that he added a black lawyer to the O.J. prosecution to curry favor with eight black jurors: “Garcetti did admit, however, that singer James Brown will give the opening argument.”

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Election withdrawal: “Do you think a lot is going to change with the Republicans replacing the Democrats? It’s like one crash-test dummy letting the other one drive.” (Jay Leno)

* “Haitian President Aristide is sending troops to help restore Bill Clinton to power.” (Leno)

* “After the stunning political events last week, Clinton has demanded legislation to stop illegal immigration--not from other countries, but from the Democratic Party to Republican. (Tony Peyser)

* “Clinton plans to move to the right. That’s a good idea. From there he’ll have a better view of Dole and Gingrich running the country.” (Michael Connor)

* “Charles Robb will return to the Senate. He’s interested in the Minority Whip position, and wonders if it comes with handcuffs, too.” (Alan Ray)

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Reader Dan Hartmann of Fullerton told his 3-year-old daughter, Kelly, that he would be taking her with him to vote. They got to the polls and he showed her the routine: Sign sheet, get ballot, mark ballot in booth. She seemed just a little too excited for the experience, so when he loaded her back into her car seat, he asked if she enjoyed voting.

Kelly smiled. “Yes, Daddy. Now show me the boat.”