LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Prudent jurist? Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a prospective juror saying she saw a promo ad for Judge Lance Ito’s television interview: “Another juror claims she saw him on the Shopping Channel, hawking autographed gavels for $49.95.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the juror seeing the commercial: “Ito explained that it’s ‘Sweeps Week.’ Where else but L.A. would a murder trial need the publicity to keep from getting canceled?”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Ito’s TV interview: “ Ito is a Japanese word that means ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ ”

Jay Leno says Ito has done nothing wrong--except promoting his upcoming holiday special: “Judge Ito Tries the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.”

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In the news: Connor, on the mother/daughter leaders of Sri Lanka: “What a pain. You’re the head of a nation, but you can’t pass a law without asking your mom.”

Michigan’s board of education may let school principals use Breathalyzers to test kids suspected of drinking. “Finally,” says comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, “a test our school kids can score high on.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the trial of accused madam Heidi Fleiss: “You can tell the jury is really into the case. Several times now they’ve asked the prosecutor to re-enact the crime.”

Sydney Biddle Barrows, “the Mayflower Madam,” is providing TV commentary for the Fleiss trial. Hamilton says she knows the slang: “For instance, if a guy in the gallery holds up a card saying ‘John 3:16,’ it’s probably a prosecution witness.”

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Winds of change: Mills, on Chinese President Jiang Zemin reminding President Clinton that 1994 is the Year of the Dog: “Clinton replied, ‘You’re telling me.”

Hamilton adds that the GOP victors are getting into the holiday spirit: “Gingrich just accused Tiny Tim of faking his leg injury to get workers’ comp.”

Ray says conservative Republicans plan to unveil their new health plan for the aged: “Sleep it off.”

Leno, on “The Flintstones,” now out on home video: “The Flintstones wear fur, eat red meat and have this Stone Age philosophy. So technically, they were the first Republicans.”

Rep. Dick Armey, likely to become the next House majority leader, says the GOP isn’t out to get revenge, because “you cannot get ahead when you’re getting even.” Says comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Boy, this guy wouldn’t last a week in Hollywood.”

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Reader Brad Becker was talking to his 4-year-old son, Sam, about the recent state elections. He asked Sam if he knew the name of the state they lived in. Sam, needing a hint, asked what letter the word started with. “ Ca . . . “ his father began, hoping to jog his memory.

Sam thought a while , then replied, “ . . . wabunga?”