LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor on the GATT accord: “Open international trade can be risky. Opponents warn that somewhere out there lurks another Charo.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the new Jesse Helms doll, just out for Christmas: “Some say it is just too lifelike: It pooh-poohs on everything.”

Jay Leno, on Newt Gingrich’s comment comparing homosexuality and nearsightedness: “That . . . gives new meaning to the eye exam at LensCrafters.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Helms and Gingrich admitting that they were wrong but not apologizing for remarks about President Clinton: “Being a Republican in the 1990s means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the conflicting advice Clinton is getting: “Some say he should move left and others say he should move right. Either way, there’s probably a moving van in his future.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new study that says women have 11% more brain cells than men: “One psychiatrist said the higher cell count may account for a woman’s propensity to change her mind. Or, she added, maybe not.”

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Also in the news: Closing arguments were scheduled to being Monday in the Heidi Fleiss trial, and Ray says the alleged Hollywood madam’s future is hard to predict: “Will she be handcuffed, strip-searched and punished? Or will she go to jail?”

Comic David Gee is betting that the Fleiss trial is “one case where they won’t be sequestering the jury in a hotel room.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the Army graduating its first co-ed basic training unit last week: “Performing at the graduation ceremony was the group’s crack precision hair dryer drill team.”

Connor, on Californians’ post-Thanksgiving spending spree: “Some wrote checks of Huffingtonian proportions.”

Ray, on police investigating a multiple shooting at a San Francisco karaoke bar: “When asked if he was hurt, one patron responded: Feelings, nothing more than feelings . . . .”

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Reader file: Steven Ortega of El Sereno has the answer for Brits wondering if Prince Charlie is fit to be king: “Only as an Elvis impersonator.”

Reader Steve Due of Inglewood has a plan that guarantees no city would ever attempt to take the L.A. Rams out of Southern California: “Force any bidder to make it a package deal with the Clippers.”

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Reader Joe Rooney of Redondo Beach recalls hearing an All Saints Day Mass for parochial schoolchildren. Instead of a sermon, the priest quizzed the students: What do you have to do to become saints? “Love God, go to church, don’t sin,” were a few answers. Finally, one third-grader raised her hand:

“Well, Father, first you have to die!”