He Won’t Duck; He’s Swinging

Oh, dear! Now I can’t go to Oregon anymore!

I’m running out of places. I’ll be reduced to Skaneateles, N.Y., next thing you know.

What did I do? Knock Mt. Hood? Hell, no! I wouldn’t be that stupid! Pooh-pooh Crater Lake? Naw! Love Crater Lake. Sneer at Coos Bay? Not me!

All I did was suggest maybe their college football team was a little overmatched in the Rose Bowl.

Well, all right, a lot overmatched. But, shoot, that’s what I’m paid for. No need to get mad at a little honest journalism.

Oh, I did suggest if sadism was your bag, you go to Pasadena on Jan. 2. That it was better than watching them club baby seals. But that was just a little journalistic excess. I always get carried away like that.

Well, Gang Green (that’s what Oregon calls itself) fights back. These Donald Ducks make the original seem even-tempered. Here are a few of their salvos. Stand back so you won’t get any on you.

“Mr. Murray,

The article you released today is the poorest example of journalism I have ever had the misfortune of reading!”

Disrespectfully yours,

Moody Larson, Eugene, Ore.

Shoot, Moods, you should read me more often! I’ve been a lot poorer than that. “Jim Murray,

When travelers on the Oregon Trail got to the point where they could either go straight or veer off and go to California, the legend states that those who could read went to Oregon. The rest went. . . .”

Bryan Cosgrove

Naw, Bryan. The ones who had umbrellas went to Oregon. “Sirs,

Mr. Murray has offended our entire state, the University of Oregon, and its coaches and players. Mr. Murray could have made his points without relying on this type of bush-league commentary. We demand his apology for a very inappropriate editorial. We would appreciate seeing Mr. Murray’s reaction in one of his future columns.”

Unsigned

My first city editor told me “Never apologize, never explain.” He’d roll around in his grave if I were to start now. Maybe, so would I. “Mr. Murray,

After reading your ignorant, irresponsible and offensive article, I found it to be written by an uninformed and extremely biased commentator. The facts are that both schools have two common opponents: USC and Iowa. Penn State beat USC at home, 38-14; Oregon went on the road without its starting quarterback, running back, two offensive linemen and two additional starting defensive backs and beat USC, 22-7. Penn State destroyed Iowa, 61-21; Oregon easily handled them, 40-18, the week before. I do not think the game will be a blowout.”

Thank you for your time,

Jeffrey M. Gray

You’re welcome, Jeffrey. But I can prove anything by comparative scores. That Harvard would beat Notre Dame, maybe. Or Grenada would beat the United States of America. “Sirs,

I believe Jim Murray owes the people of the state of Oregon, the University of Oregon athletic department and, most importantly, the U of O football team an abject apology.”

Charlie Cole,

Eugene, Ore.

Whoa, Charlie! Abject?! Webster defines “abject” as “sunk to low condition, cast down in spirit, servile, showing utter resignation.” Not my style, Charlie. If I were given to abject, I’d be a butler. “Attn. Jim Murray,

Hello, is anybody home? I heard you were blind, but deaf and dumb? Come on, where have you been for the last two months? In a fancy, posh, pampered L.A. health club getting colonics by the hour?”

With No Respect,

Jim Jensen, owner

Good Times Cafe and Bar

I guess a reservation at the cafe for Saturday night is completely out of the question then, Jim? “Dear Jim Moron,

You are a pompous, arrogant jerk!”

A disgruntled Oregonian

Don’t you think I know that?

“To Jim Murray,

Your attitude toward the University of Oregon football team and their ability to compete is the absolute epitome of ignorance and arrogance! The strength and character (not to mention talent) it takes to accomplish what the Ducks have this season simply cannot be overlooked--even by someone that wears three-inch-thick eyeglasses! Your failure to mention anything positive about the U of O team is the worst display of journalism imaginable. Whatever happened to objectivity?”

P.S. McCallum

It died about 1944 or thereabouts, Mac. Done in by a football fan, I believe. “Mr. Murray,

I would like to plagiarize a recent comment from Jessy (sic) Helms to President Clinton: ‘If you come to Oregon, you better bring a bodyguard.’ ”

Jack Whisman

And an umbrella. “Jim,

Please explain to your marginally literate readers outside of Oregon that there is a whole entire state between California and Washington! And its Pac-10 teams began their rivalry 100 years ago, well before others on the West Coast. We Oregonians will rest easy knowing our inferiors lack the attention span necessary to find Oregon and move there.”

Dan Weber

We know there’s a state there, Dan. We see all those Oregon license plates on I-5 driving down to Palm Springs to spend the winter. Who do they leave in charge up there, Bob Packwood? “Murray,

Self-centered, egotistical, Southern California trash! Southern California schools went 1-2 vs. Oregon schools. And do we have to remind you of the USC loss to the Ducks? Take your smoggy, overpopulated, filth-ridden metropolis and shove it.”

Signed,

Go Ducks!

I know, but what do you really think of us, Ducky? “To Jim Murray, L.A. Times Idiot,

Jim Murray,

You’re an excellent example of premature senility in action!”

Jim Pierce

What do you mean “premature”? My senility is right on schedule! “What will you write when we win, wise guy?!”

Unsigned

I dunno. Probably take the credit.