LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the San Francisco man who stabbed his girlfriend and drank her blood after seeing “Interview With the Vampire”: “The woman told police he stopped only after she told him that she never donates on the first date. . . . As soon as the charges were filed, the man lost his job as a collection agent for the IRS.”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on a New York money-laundering ring that included rabbis: “It may have been illegal, but at least it was kosher.” Comedy writer Tony Peyser says authorities had been tipped off by a sign outside the Manhattan cleaners where they were arrested: “One-Hour Martinizing/Two-Hour Money Laundering.”

Jay Leno, on the eight men who sued Jenny Craig for sex harassment: “They claim they were told that if they wanted to be promoted, they’d have to get a sex change. Talk about losing a couple of inches.”

Leno, on the L.A. Clippers 13th straight loss, in overtime Tuesday: “Coach Bill Fitch said that he felt really bad because he was one of the people who left early in the fourth quarter to beat traffic.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Jesse Helms saying the GATT treaty is just going to help poor, ignorant, undeveloped countries: “Isn’t that just like a senator? As soon as you send them to Washington, they forget where they came from.”

Reader Keith Scheuer’s suggested publicity campaign for the new law that revokes drivers’ licenses for drug convictions: “Use a joint, go to RTD.”

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Hooray for Hollywood . . . Comedy writer Gary Easley, on rumors of an impending split between Michael and Lisa Marie: “The Enquirer tried to get a quote from Elvis, but he and Bigfoot were out Christmas shopping for JFK.”

Reader Art Vinsel of San Pedro quotes Michael’s version of why they will split: “I understand that having her cooties all over the virtual reality set is just a part of marriage. But she hogs the Ken doll and keeps trying to sneak into my clubhouse.”

The inside dope on Jerry Seinfeld’s breakup with his young girlfriend, courtesy Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness: “Apparently, they had different interests. He was obsessed with his career; she had a trigonometry test.”

Mills, on Dick Clark’s 65th birthday Wednesday: “He celebrated by instructing his stockbroker to sell his majority interest in Clearasil and take a similar position in Metamucil.”

Peyser, on two pharmaceutical companies planning to market a testosterone patch that delivers the male hormone through the skin: “They also are working on a testoterone/nicotine patch. It’ll make you want to hang out with Mickey Rourke.”

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David Mace of Van Nuys and his daughter Caitie, 5, were playing when she suggested, “Let’s play Beavis and Butt-head.” “OK,” he said, “I’ll be Beavis.” The little girl thought a moment, then replied:

“How ‘bout we have two Beavises?”