COMMITMENTS : Popping the Question : While Tradition and Romance Still Reign, Marriage Proposals Often Fall Short of the Fantasy--Even, It Seems, Among the Rich and Famous

When Bill asked Hillary, he took the romantic route: “I bought that house you like, so you’d better marry me because I can’t live in it by myself.”

Track star Al Joyner was even more traditional, although it took him seven years after meeting Florence Griffith to get down on his knee in the rented limousine.

Hef, the almost-eternal bachelor, tested the waters by talking in general about marriage to Playmate Kimberley Conrad. Then he popped the question by the Playboy Mansion’s wishing well.

A marriage proposal is surely one of a couple’s most private moments--yet, much like labor and delivery sagas, it’s often too irresistible not to share with family, friends and total strangers.

So when Los Angeles authors Betty Goodwin and Wendy Goldberg set out to chronicle the proposals of famous couples, they weren’t surprised when only three couples begged off (they won’t name names).

After an industrious year of tracking down records, researching and interviewing, they had uncovered the courtship stories of 35 legendary couples for their new book, “Marry Me!” (Angel City Press, 1994).

Along the way, the duo found that legendary folks often don’t broach the Big Question much differently than do everyday types, although the carats and hotel rooms cost much more--an observation confirmed by therapists who counsel merging couples. And, no matter how famous or moneyed the couples-to-be, proposals can fall short of fantasies and self-imposed deadlines.

The authors also found more tradition than they’d bargained for: Among the 35 couples, none of the women did the asking. (“That’s not to say women weren’t orchestrating the plan for the gentlemen to ask,” quips Goldberg, married for 22 years to television and movie producer Leonard Goldberg).

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Some famous folks, like the rest of personkind, found themselves tongue-tied or unable to utter the traditional “Will you marry me?” Others danced around the question for quite a while.

In general, the authors found, the type of proposal seems to mirror personality type. Roy Rogers, for instance, asked Dale Evans while both were astride their horses.

Lyndon Johnson didn’t pussyfoot around. “He came on strong,” Goodwin says, proposing to Claudia (Lady Bird) Taylor at the end of their first date. When she put him off, he kept asking. And won her hand after her father advised her, “Some of the best deals are made in a hurry.”

Bruce Willis was the in-control type. He and Demi Moore had gone to Las Vegas to see a boxing match. Around 10:30, Bruce told Demi: “I could make one phone call to one guy (the hotel’s owner) and he could get us married by midnight.” Moore disappeared to their room to think things over and accepted a little while later, recalls Goodwin, a frequent contributor to The Times who got engaged while writing the book and is now married.

Whether a woman is angling for a millionaire or the guy next door, she has in mind the ideal proposal, says Kate Wachs, a Chicago psychologist and relationship expert.

“Women still want romance,” Wachs says. “They also want a verbal component. They want a guy to go out of his way.” It helps if there are flowers, candles, a limo, some element of surprise or any combination of these, she adds.

Sometimes, Wachs says, women probably expect too much.

Even in today’s romance novels, proposals have gotten more realistic. Take the story of “From Drifter to Daddy,” a new Harlequin romance by Mollie Mole, president of the Los Angeles Chapter of the Romance Writers of America, who writes as Mollie Molay.

In it, the heroine takes over the care of her niece and nephew--and their ranch--after her single-parent sister dies. Naturally, the aunt falls in love with the day laborer who works on the ranch.

“The actual proposal starts when he’s reading bedtime stories to the kids,” the author says. The kids offer to ask their aunt for him. Thus prodded, he finally turns romantic, finds her in the kitchen and formally asks her to wed.

But then, there are those real-life proposals that fuel the fantasies.

Steve Prutting of Valencia had been dating Mara Quigley for a year and a half, spending many evenings on the Staten Island ferry, enjoying the breeze while they ate fresh bread and sipped wine. One spring night, most everyone else was inside the cabin while they braved the chill on the back of the boat.

“There were sea gulls, stars and the New York City skyline in the background,” he recalls. The timing seemed perfect. “With my arms outstretched, I got down on my knee and said, ‘Honey, will you marry me?’ ” recalls Prutting, now 40.

Her response was immediate and unforgettable: “Are you joking?”

Prutting, discouraged but not defeated, didn’t skip a beat: “Mara, I’ll do this one more time.”

He did.

She came to her senses.

“She had a tear come to her eye and said, ‘I would love to.’ ” That was 12 years and four kids ago. (In her defense, Mara, 35, explains: “I was a little stunned and biding for time. But it was very romantic.”)

Last summer, Jeff Rose, 31, of Los Angeles, was feeling the pressure. Two friends of his girlfriend, Melanie Morris, 29, were getting married. Jeff and Melanie had been dating for a year and a half. He hadn’t proposed but had thought about it. Now, he developed his grand scheme: While they were in Chicago for the second wedding, he would propose in front of his grandparents’ old house.

Much easier said than done, Rose recalls. First, he had to find a suitable hiding place for the diamond, finally settling for an empty dental floss container. Then he had to persuade one of Melanie’s friends, in town for the wedding, not to ride along with them. He had to navigate unfamiliar city streets and find the old house.

When he finally did, he got more enthused than Melanie expected about seeing the old homestead.

“Why are you so excited?” she asked.

“Because this is where I am going to propose to you,” he said, getting down on a knee (and then smartly snapping a picture of her accepting the ring with the camera he’d conveniently toted).

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Of course, women who aren’t sure their potential mate carries the romantic gene could always do the asking--Leap Year or not.

That’s a growing phenomenon but still far from common, Wachs says.

Jana Olson-Collins, 36, of Toluca Lake, readily admits that she proposed to her husband of three years, Bill Collins, with whom she worked.

“We were in the car, en route to a business meeting in Orange County,” Olson-Collins says. “We’d been friends for a year and dating for six months.” She turned to him and said, “You know, this is such a great partnership.” But what she also wanted, she told him, was a committed relationship.

He mentioned living together. She mentioned marriage. He suggested a five-year try at marriage, and she’s not sure if he was joking or not.

By the time they exited the freeway, “he had said OK,” she recalls. Quickly, she accepted, saying, “I don’t want the five-year deal.”

More commonly, a woman will skirt the issue or drop large hints rather than ask outright. One woman recalls telling her beau: “It’s OK now if you want to ask me.”

Then there is the “point-out-the-options” approach. “My roommate was getting married,” recalls one Los Angeles woman who had been dating a man for two years. So she told her guy: “I am either moving into my own apartment (as in ‘by myself’) or I am moving back home.” At that point, he said, “Well, well, wait a second here,” and they got out their calendars to compare schedules and set a wedding date. That was 18 years and one teen-ager ago.

“Men feel more pressure when the women propose,” contends Alvin Baraff, a Washington, D.C., clinical psychologist and director of MenCenter Counseling. They feel they must respond quickly. “When she proposes, his response is often ‘uh-oh.’ ”

But it’s common, Wachs and Baraff agree, for a couple’s timing not to be in sync. One will want to marry; the other’s not so sure. A few months later, their positions can switch.

It’s also common to “try on” the fantasy.

“A lot of people talk about ‘what if,’ ” Wachs says. “As in, ‘What if we were married . . .’ ” as a way to ease into a discussion of the possibility.

Often, Wachs says, a man will offer what sounds like a proposal--and the woman’s not sure if he’s kidding or serious.

That’s probably no accident.

“If the woman says no,” Wachs notes, “you can always say you’re just joking.”