‘90s FAMILY : Let’s Talk About the Refiner Things in Life : Etiquette: With a bit of patience, wild little ones can be tamed. Sensitivity and respect for others are necessary--but so is having the right attitude.

First off, let’s settle the olive thing.

Olives are not wee finger puppets to be eaten like plums a la little Jack Horner.

The good news is that it’s OK to drop a bit of bread onto your plate and mop up Grandma’s gravy--as long as you use a fork. And you don’t have to eat food you hate. Really. Not one bite.

You’re relieved? Well, imagine how your kids will feel. Children initially take to etiquette and manners like horses to bits and bridles. Any license to skip Brussels sprouts is solace indeed. But taming children with a bit of manners needn’t hurt--even in time for the holidays--if parents go slowly, respect children’s attention spans and explain why a bunch of rules and regulations is important, etiquette experts say.

“The Golden Rule is what manners are all about: respect for others and being sensitive to others and really not trying to embarrass others,” says Diane Diehl, a graduate of the Protocol School of Washington, D.C., who teaches etiquette courses at the Biltmore in Downtown Los Angeles and at Nordstrom stores. “You want to make others feel comfortable.”

And make oneself comfortable. Children who start learning their way around the dinner table now won’t have so far to go in the future when they sit down at business dinners, Diehl says.

Don’t worry about confusing good manners for elitism or creating a stuffed, Victorian-style child, says Deborah Kane-Wood, an etiquette author and teacher.

“Far more important than selecting the right fork is selecting the right attitude,” says Kane-Wood, a California native who learned etiquette the hard way when she was sent to Queen Anne’s School for Girls in England and on to finishing school at Surval in Montreux, Switzerland.

“(Etiquette) has a snob appeal and elitism that just turns a lot of people off. A person with class is a caring human being. And a caring human being can be any kind of person. And also an uncaring person can be a rich lady in a limousine--and very often is. We’re talking about the heart,” Kane-Wood says.

Parents should have heart, too, and not foist children into situations way beyond their abilities, says Terri Mandell, author of “When Good People Throw Bad Parties: A Guide to Party Politics for Hosts and Guests” (First House Press, 1994). Children can and should learn manners to suit their age, but they can’t and shouldn’t be expected to act like little adults, she says.

“Most people try to oppress the child too much,” says Mandell, who lives in Los Angeles and is the mother of a 4-year-old boy. “They say, ‘Just sit quietly on the couch and sip your glass of juice while the grown-ups talk.’ ”

Add to the formula those hot velvet dresses and little plaid bow ties and you’ve got trouble brewing. Better to leave the little prince or princess at home. Or, if you’re the host, plan to set aside a room with toys, videos, finger food and a teen-age baby-sitter. The idea is not to shove children out of sight (well, maybe sometimes), but to give them a relaxed, welcoming environment, the hallmark of all entertaining, Mandell says.

“Put them in the cute little dress, show them off for five minutes and then let them go be children,” she says.

But back to those dos and don’ts. Diehl rarely teaches etiquette classes for children under 7. When she teaches younger children, she covers only the “please,” “thank-you” and “excuse me” basics. Introductions, phone etiquette and formal dining she saves for older students.

But at about age 6, most children can be taught to gracefully navigate a punch bowl, an especially handy skill this time of year.

“It’s really heartwarming to see really little hands being able to serve punch beautifully,” she says.

Here’s the technique: Take a cup, hold it over the bowl and gently ladle in the punch. Pick up a napkin and place it under the cup to catch any more wayward drips. Bring the cup toward yourself and sip, don’t gulp. If you’re serving, turn the handle of the cup toward the recipient, with the napkin still under the cup.

*

Make the learning fun, Diehl says. With young children, Diehl uses puppets, stories and role-playing to teach manners. At the Biltmore, students sit down for a formal two-hour luncheon. But they sometimes also have the treat of first working with chefs to create wonderful desserts. At the end of the meal, children delight in seeing their creations squired in by maitre d’s.

Kane-Wood has fun with plastic bugs when she puts her students through a practice dining session. She’ll slip a little critter into a salad to test the children for the appropriate reaction. (Discreetly remove it with your fork to the edge of your plate, keep quiet about the invader and carry on.)

What about those other icky things that show up on plates this time of year--creamed onions, molded cranberries and fruit cake? The good news is you don’t have to eat them. The bad news is, you can’t scoot them off your plate once they’re there.

The etiquette mavens say it’s OK to use your fork and sort of noodle around with the offending item, just enough to make it look as if maybe you at least tasted it. But don’t announce your distaste or go into a long medical history of all your allergies.

Kane-Wood and Diehl both say it’s also important for children to learn to manage a formal dinner. Such a prospect can give parents the jitters. Many parents bumble when it comes to teaching this stuff because they tossed it onto the cultural scrap heap back when manners amounted to: If it feels good, do it.

Well, it’s time they rescued those old manners, says Kane-Wood, with not just a little disapproval for the attitudes that overthrew them to begin with.

“Values, ethics, morals, manners. All of these build our character,” she says.

*

Manners, for now, is the bite she can chew. For parents who can’t find their way to a library, hotel or department-store class, Kane-Wood has an audiocassette series. Distilled into three cassettes is everything she teaches in her workshops in Washington, California and to American children at the Westminster School in London.

She starts with the basics, knowing that many of her listeners will be as young as 5. She includes what’s obvious even to us Yanks--don’t blow bubbles with your straw or dangle spoons off your nose. The only rude burp is a fake burp and the only rude, ahem, flatulence is faked flatulence.

It’s up from there, though. She discusses finger bowls, wine stewards and garniture, a tony cousin of those parsley sprigs that children are so quick to flick away. (But, alas, shouldn’t.)

A whimsical place mat accompanying the tapes uses a table-top family of animated cutlery and china to illustrate a very formal order of service rarely seen this side of the Atlantic, much less on the West Coast.

Listeners are advised to adapt the place mat to their family’s need or traditions, but the point is made that this is another way it’s sometimes done in the world. And the world is growing smaller, Kane-Wood says.

Ditto, Diehl says. The children spilling peas in their laps today may well be expected to someday perform with grace and ease at an international business dinner. Or properly introduce the head of a foreign corporation.

“International heads of state or presidents of companies could be genuinely offended if introduced improperly,” she says. “Now here in good ol’ America, we just let it all hang out. In a sense you have to think, that is fabulous that we are so easygoing. But on the other hand, you have to know that the rest of the world is not like us.”