THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : Going Undercover to Find the Real All-NFL Team

Maybe it’s the underwear.

When Terance Mathis was asked for something that would help observers distinguish him from the dozens of receivers who are not playing as well as Jerry Rice, he pondered a minute.

His name is not imprinted on a visor worn shamelessly on the sideline.

He has never glared out from the TV and barked, “Get real.”

He doesn’t run around the field with a towel hanging to his knees or wearing his socks at his ankles.

He has never made a cameo on “Coach.”

“Well,” he said.

He pondered some more.

“Well, I do have these boxer shorts,” he admitted. “My kids gave them to me. I wear them every Sunday to the game. My lucky boxer shorts.”

What’s unique about that?

“Well,” he said, “they have pictures of Pebbles and Bam-Bam on them.”

That must be it, then.

Mathis, of the Atlanta Falcons, apparently was left off the NFC Pro Bowl team because his shorts depict the Flintstones.

He certainly couldn’t have been ignored because of his statistics. He ranks second in the league in catches, with 103, behind Cris Carter of the Minnesota Vikings, and second in yards with 1,284, behind Rice of the 49ers.

Both Carter and Rice were voted to the Pro Bowl. So were Sterling Sharpe of the Green Bay Packers and Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys.

Maybe Sharpe will invite Mathis to Hawaii anyway. That way, Sharpe could honor Mathis, and Carter, after they both break Sharpe’s single-season record of 112 catches.

Not that any of this should matter. As all-star games go, the Pro Bowl is as meaningful as one involving softball teams made up of rock stars.

But in case anyone is fooled, we present you with an all-NFL team that has something to do with the NFL.

And we present the spurned Mathis, naturally, as our captain.

In honor of those whose bluster has obscured players such as Mathis, we have also included 1994’s most overrated.

Critics note that Mathis struggled in the New York Jets’ conventional offense for four years before joining the Falcons through free agency and becoming the perfect wide receiver for their run-and-shoot. He’s 5 feet 10 and fast.

But he still has to catch the ball.

“I get very upset when I hear that I’m doing well because of the system,” he said. “You still have to get open. You still have to make the plays.”

And he still has to get into the end zone, which he has done 10 times.

“It’s been an incredible year,” said Mathis, a former New Mexico star. “I don’t think it’s actually sunk in yet. Nobody in Atlanta really knows me. I’m just walking around, enjoying it, thinking whatever happens, happens.”

He also gets our vote because of his cool-sounding charity, TLC.

As in, Terance Loves Children.

TIMES ALL-NFL TEAM

OFFENSE:

Quarterback Best: Steve Young, 49ers. Who would have guessed that in the same year he is whipped by Joe Montana, he outruns Montana’s ghost? He has never been better. A Super Bowl coronation awaits.

Most overrated: Jeff George, Atlanta Falcons. Nothing more than a Craig Erickson in wolf’s clothing. It took his departure from Indianapolis for the league to finally figure this out.

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Running Backs Best: Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions, and Emmitt Smith, Cowboys. The first player is the league’s prettiest. The second, its toughest.

Most overrated: Ricky Watters, 49ers. In tough situations, the team’s loudest player is often the first to disappear.

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Wide Receivers Best: Carter, Mathis. Rice is not here because we can pick only two. Just because he’s the best ever doesn’t mean he is the best every year. Mathis’ numbers and Carter’s acrobatics have been stunning.

Most overrated: Michael Haynes, New Orleans Saints. For $10 million, the Saints were hoping for Jerry Rice. Instead, they got Nate Singleton.

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Tight End Best: Ben Coates, New England Patriots. Is any skill player more fun to watch? When he thrusts his 6-4, 245-pound frame above two linebackers to make a catch, the football game is transformed to a combination of basketball, rugby, and “kill the man with the ball.”

Most overrated: Keith Jackson, Miami Dolphins. Now that he has learned to block, he has forgotten how to catch.

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Center Best: Dermontti Dawson, Pittsburgh Steelers. Nobody comes close to matching his combination of blocking skills and decision making. Don’t say this to anybody in those taverns along the three rivers, but he may be better than Mike Webster.

Most overrated: Bart Oates, 49ers. Makes more mistakes than you’d expect from a 36-year-old lawyer who learned under Bill Parcells.

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Guards Best: Keith Sims, Dolphins and Nate Newton, Cowboys. Sims has finally escaped the shadow of more prominent Dolphin lineman Richmond Webb. Comedian Newton consistently shows there’s nothing funny about his blocking.

Most overrated: Steve Wisniewski, Raiders. His reputation as a tough guy should no longer eclipse the truth that no matter who is running, the Raiders cannot consistently run.

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Tackles Best: Will Wolford, Indianapolis Colts, and Tony Jones, Cleveland Browns. Neither made the Pro Bowl, so apparently fans and players were not watching those giant holes given Marshall Faulk and all that time afforded Vinny Testaverde. With weak or injured players around them, both men have had outstanding seasons.

Most overrated: Gary Zimmerman, Denver Broncos. Anybody from an offensive line that threatens John Elway’s existence daily does not belong within a six-hour flight of the Pro Bowl.

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Kicker Best: Fuad Reveiz, Vikings. With 22 consecutive field goals during these pressure months, he certainly earned his first Pro Bowl invitation in his nine seasons. We’re finally even spelling his first name correctly.

Most overrated: Chip Lohmiller, Washington Redskins. Once a favorite of teammates and fantasy-leaguers alike, in the last two years he has missed 17 of 53 field-goal attempts and four extra points.

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Kick Returner Best: Mel Gray, Lions. What you might imagine Sanders would look like with room to run. The best now, and ever.

Most overrated: None. Their duties and importance far outweigh their pay and stature. Every one of these guys is underrated.

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DEFENSE:

Tackles Best: John Randle, Vikings, and Chester McGlockton, Raiders. Entire offensive lines are sometimes directed at them. Randle gives the Vikings outside hope of surprising the Cowboys and 49ers. McGlockton is the only chance the Raiders have of stopping the Steelers’ running game in a rematch.

Most overrated: Pierce Holt, Atlanta Falcons. It’s amazing how a 6-4, 275-pound guy can simply vanish.

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Ends Best: Leslie O’Neal, San Diego Chargers, and Charles Haley, Cowboys. Does anybody else think that the Chargers’ best defensive player is O’Neal, and not that teammate who appeared on “The Tonight Show?” Haley gives the Cowboys not only an enforcer, but a conscience.

Most overrated: Chris Doleman, Falcons. He mopes, he whines, he doesn’t stop the run.

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Inside Linebacker Best: Junior Seau, Chargers. Last week he was chasing down the 49ers on one leg. He takes so many chances that he is sometimes burned, but for once his play matched his celebrity.

Most overrated: Vincent Brown, Patriots. How can a guy be overrated if you’ve never heard of him? If the Patriots make the playoffs, you will. Just don’t listen. Lately, USC rookie Willie McGinest has played better.

*

Outside Linebackers Best: Greg Lloyd and Kevin Greene, Steelers. One of these two is the defensive player of the year. The difficulty is determining which one it is. In their strength and intensity lie the AFC’s best chance at stealing a Super Bowl.

Most overrated: Pat Swilling, Lions. Quick now, a show of hands. How many people realize this guy doesn’t even start regularly anymore?

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Cornerbacks Best: Deion Sanders, 49ers, and Terry McDaniel, Raiders. For all of his hype, Sanders remains the most influential defensive force in the game. And for this season, anyway, big-play McDaniel has been better.

Most overrated: Eric Allen, Philadelphia Eagles. The re-enforcement of the no-chucking rule has severely damaged his game.

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Safeties Best: Eric Turner, Browns, and Darren Woodson, Cowboys. The newest in a breed of three-position safeties--guys who also behave like cornerbacks and linebackers. Once the ball is snapped, they are impossible to avoid.

Most overrated. Steve Atwater and Dennis Smith, Broncos. Smith, 35, has declined far more than Atwater, but both are living off reputations created when the Broncos were a championship-caliber team.

*

Punter Best: Mark Royals, Steelers. With this guy putting a league-leading 33 punts inside the 20-yard line, no wonder the Steeler defense plays so inspired.

Most overrated: None. There hasn’t been a punter famous enough to qualify for an overrated tag since Ray Guy.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

QUICK HITTERS

* SINGIN’ IN THE PAIN: Loud singing was heard from the shower area in the Astrodome’s visitors’ locker room during the fourth quarter of last week’s game between the Houston Oilers and Seattle Seahawks.

The singer? Seahawk safety Eugene Robinson, whose season had just ended with a torn Achilles’ tendon.

Showering next to him was injured tackle Ray Roberts, who would have preferred to suffer in silence.

“I wasn’t upset at him,” Roberts said. “But I just wished he would shut up.”

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* FAT AND FATTER: An otherwise pedestrian matchup on Sunday has been enhanced by a feud between Arizona Coach Buddy Ryan and his former defensive tackle Keith Rucker, who has been playing for Cincinnati since Ryan ran him out of town because of his 360 pounds.

“I’ve coached a lot of great defensive linemen in my day, and Rucker darn sure wasn’t one of them,” Ryan said. “He can’t play. He can stand out there and take up a suit, but I come here to win a Super Bowl, not to coddle people.”

Responded Rucker: “It’s hard for me to have a guy his size and proportion call me fat. What is he--five feet and almost 300?”

Rucker, who is 6-4, implied that he wouldn’t go out of his way to avoid hitting Ryan during pursuit on any play near the Cardinal sideline.

“I’ll go for the ballcarrier,” Rucker said. “But if I get (Ryan), there’s nothing like killing two birds with one stone.”

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* THE PRICE OF VICTORY: Preparing for their showdown in Pittsburgh on Sunday, the Cleveland Browns are acutely aware that of the last 10 teams that defeated the Dallas Cowboys, only two were victorious the next week.

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* THE COST OF DEFEAT: Cris Dishman, Oiler cornerback, on the difference between this year and last year.

“(Last year) was a great time to be an Oiler. We could go to a restaurant with a 20-minute wait and get seated immediately. If a policeman pulled us over to give us a (speeding) ticket, he would let us off with a warning.

“Now, if we go to a restaurant with a 20-minute wait, they don’t seat us for two hours. If we get pulled over, not only does the cop write the ticket, but he checks for proof of insurance, asks to see the registration and checks the inspection sticker.”

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* WET AND WILD: Deion Sanders tried to climb into the stands after last week’s game in San Diego after a fan dumped a cup of beer on him.

But it wasn’t because he got soaked. It was because he doesn’t drink.

“The thing that hurts me the most is I never tasted alcohol,” Sanders said. “I don’t drink. I never have. I never will.”

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* BATTLE OF THE TITANS: Today, for once, Minnesota quarterback Warren Moon will not have to feel badly about sharing the NFL record for career fumbles with 125.

Because on the same field will be the man he shares it with, Detroit quarterback Dave Krieg.

This should be fun.

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* TAKE THAT: The Dallas Cowboys’ Pro Bowl ballot included five San Francisco 49ers.

Ken Norton Jr., the Cowboys’ former teammate and a Pro Bowl player last year, was not one of them.

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* A MAN’S MAN: Bubby Brister on replacing Randall Cunningham this week as the Philadelphia Eagles’ quarterback: “Nothing against Randall, but I ain’t going to be holding anybody’s hand in the huddle.”

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* CROSSING THE LINE: There seems little doubt that Jimmy Johnson will announce on the Fox pregame show Sunday that he is staying with that network for another season.

But don’t be surprised if he changes his mind next month. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers could have a serious buyer by then, somebody willing to give Johnson a job as coach-general manager and a piece of the team.

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* MAKES SENSE TO US: Arizona’s Greg Davis said he relaxed before kicking the game-winning field goal against the Washington Redskins by practicing breathing techniques learned with his wife in a Lamaze childbirth class.

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* THROW THIS FOOL OUT OF THE LEAGUE: Is it just us, or does the NFL’s idiot-of-the-year award go to Seattle rookie cornerback Orlando Watters?

Less than two weeks after teammate Mike Frier suffered a paralyzing injury in an automobile crash involving two teammates, Watters was arrested early Tuesday morning by Seattle police for, among other things, allegedly driving while intoxicated.

Seahawk Coach Tom Flores has already admitted that Watters made a mistake. So we do not feel we are tampering with due process by suggesting that he be sentenced to spending the next three years helping Frier try to walk again.