LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Mattel cutting 1,000 jobs: “The company’s streamlining has even affected Barbie. One of her new accessory items is severance pay.”
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Dee Dee Myers resigning as White House press secretary: “She says she has nothing definite, but would like to find a job waffling for the private sector.”
Jay Leno, on Christmas week: “Or, as it’s known around my house, National Where the Hell Is the Scotch Tape Week.”
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Intel is not short for intelligent . . .
* “Intel has agreed to replace its faulty Pentium chip for everyone who requests one--no kwestshuns asked.” (Gary Easley)
* “It could cost $1 billion to replace the chips. The loss is so great that the Santa Clara company is now technically part of Orange County.” (Tony Peyser)
Among the Top 10 reasons to buy a Pentium machine--courtesy the Internet and Time:
* Your current computer is too accurate.
* You want to get into the Guinness Book as “owner of most expensive paperweight.”
* You always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff.
* You need an alibi for the IRS.
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Random thoughts on White House security:
* “The Secret Service announced a new policy regarding gunfire near the executive mansion. One more violent incident and the White House will be declared a public high school.” (Argus Hamilton)
* They put a new sign on the front gate: “The President does not carry more than $20 cash.” (Leno)
* “The hot new drink in D.C. is the White House Martini. Two shots and you’re on the floor.” (Leno)
* “Tourists visiting Washington from Sarajevo are reportedly avoiding the White House because it’s too dangerous.” (Alex Pearlstein)
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That’s entertainment? Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Sly Stallone’s huge movie deal: “Sly gets $20 million or 20% of receipts over $100 million. He gets twice those amounts if he has any lines to say.”
Gag writer Mort Katz of North Hollywood, on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences denying membership to Rodney Dangerfield: “The only way to get respect in Hollywood is to fire bullets, not jokes.”
Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Time magazine declaring “O.J. on the run” as the best TV of 1994: “This gives all those amateurish Masterpiece Theater dramas on PBS something to shoot for.”
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Van Nuys reader Ted Rose was walking around his earthquake-damaged neighborhood Jan. 17 to survey wreckage with daughter Caroline, 3. On seeing the many fallen chimneys in the neighborhood, the little girl shook her head and remarked:
“Santa’s not going to be happy.”
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*Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.
