LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the newt: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Speaker-elect Newt Gingrich’s $4.5-million book deal with a company controlled by Rupert Murdoch: “Murdoch, a foreigner, wants Congress to lift a ban against foreign ownership of TV stations. The GOP message is clear. The Contract With America was actually a book contract with Murdoch.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan says now we know what Newt meant by the GOP’s Contract With America: “$500 for us, $4.5 million for him.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Newt’s new book: “The Pope’s book calling for compassion, sharing and human charity is selling in the millions. Just think how well the rebuttal will do.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on big money contracts: “First Stallone gets $20 million and now Newt gets $4.5 million. This is remarkable when you consider that neither one plays basketball.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Newt introducing the old MGM movie “Boys Town” on TNT: “Not to be outdone, Ross Perot will introduce the new movie ‘Richie Rich.’ ”

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In the news: Peyser, on the U. S. Postal Service setting a record last Monday by postmarking more than 280 million letters and cards: “The Postmaster General said that next year they might even get around to delivering some of them.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Clintons’ holidays: “Bill was visited by a ghost from Christmas past: Mr. President, Paula Jones on line 1. “

Hamilton, on the President inviting schoolchildren to the White House last week to read them a story: “The kids laughed and laughed. Not even 4-year-olds will buy his version of the Whitewater scandal.”

Ryan, on political pundits saying Clinton’s aides are trying to Reaganize him: “It’s working--Clinton’s already forgotten everything he’s promised.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the Kenosha, Wis., man who built a 6-foot-4 Christmas tree from 100,000 beer bottle caps: “He said it would have been bigger, but he kept having to run to the bathroom.”

Comedy writer Ray, on the Dillionvale, Ohio, man who cashed in 80 million pennies at a bank: “The guy next to him in line is kicking himself. He said, ‘No, you go first.’ ”

Comic Dennis Miller, on the study showing marijuana use among 1994 high school seniors has increased, compared to 1991 seniors: “The really unfortunate statistic: They’re the same seniors.”

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Reader R.G. Lombardo of Costa Mesa says his father-in-law was teasing granddaughter Erica about the playful, painless birthday he planned to give her. She wasn’t worried, but told him she planned to give him one on his birthday as well. When his birthday rolled around, however, Erica told her mom she had changed her mind. When her mother asked why, the little girl replied:

“I can’t count that high.”