Worst motorist’s excuse of the year: Sure,...

Worst motorist’s excuse of the year: Sure, it’s early. But this one might hold up for the next 51 weeks. A man spotted driving a Humvee with its headlights off early Wednesday morning was asked by Glendale police where he’d picked up his shiny military vehicle.

“President Clinton gave it to me,” the 34-year-old Glendale civilian replied. He added: “You do know who the President is.”

Police arrested him anyway, inasmuch as a local National Guard unit had reported one Humvee missing after a Tuesday night meeting. “It appears the gate leading to the armory was left open,” said Officer Rodney Brooks of the Glendale police. Brooks added: “You have to wonder if some young lieutenant’s going to be swinging in the breeze over this one.”

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Who says the MTA doesn’t have a sense of humor?Subway tunneling, which prompted the temporary relocation of several stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, since has been blamed for the sinking of portions of Hollywood Boulevard by as much as nine inches. Numerous merchants have complained, including the management at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, which says its celebrity footprints are in danger.

Nevertheless, MTA buses were recently seen scurrying around town carrying ads that said, “Celebrate Holidays in Hollywood” and featured an MTA emblem on a Walk of Fame star.

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List of the Day: Only in L.A.’s Proofreading Patrol has turned in its latest report. Some strange specimens were found, including:

* An ad for “Water Foul Decoys”--as if we didn’t have enough pollution as it is. (Terry Donovan)

* A car warranty noting that the customer is responsible for unusual wear and “fear.” (Scott Shimamoto)

* An ad for an “All Wood Kid’s Playhouse”--doesn’t Pinocchio already have one? (Jeanne Barney)

* A store sign advertising, “Women’s Close . . . Men’s Close . . . Sweetshirt. . . .” (Wally Smith).

* A noisy recipe that included one small apple “pealed.” (Marion Graff)

* And an announcement by a local government body that it was inviting bids for IBM “Capatible (Clong)” computers. (Frank Blundo Jr.) It was the L.A. Board of Education, actually. No wonder Johnny can’t type.

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This diet craze really has gone too far: And finally, Don Broutt noticed that an auto garage flyer seemed directed at cars that watch their weight. Broutt figures that whoever wrote the ad wasn’t operating on all cylinders.

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Good news for Oregon fans: And they need some after the Rose Bowl loss to Penn State. Lucile Thomas of L.A. writes that “a very fragile portion of the Los Angeles Examiner, dated Jan. 2, 1917, was found in a wall of my house during repairs for earthquake damage. The house was being built in 1917. We assume a workman laid the paper down and forgot it, or inadvertently covered it.”

The newspaper announced that Oregon had won a “titanic” New Year’s Day game in “Tournament Park.” Yup, Oregon had scored a 14-0 victory in the Rose Bowl--over the University of Pennsylvania.

Hey, give the other state a chance to get even, Oregon.

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The kind of sign you’d expect to see at the zoo: Actually, the notice just went up recently during the filming of a movie. Of course, we always thought a T. Rex parked wherever it wanted.

And, finally: A driver was spotted on the Ventura Freeway with a license plate frame that said, “Driver Carries No Cash--He’s Married.”

miscelLAny “I’ll Do It Tomorrow,” a workshop aimed at procrastinators, will be held at the Village Learning Center in Van Nuys. Cost is $25 per person. The date is Monday. Last-minute sign-ups are welcome.