THE WAITING LIST : Now the Republicans Have to Get Things Done. It Says So in Their Contract.

When the new Congress was sworn in four days ago, carpenters must have had to shore up the floor under the Republican side of the aisle, which now must run practically all the way to the exit (a good idea, now that I think of it, running for the exit).

From this point on, the Contract with America--that list, half-Moses and half-Letterman, of the top 10 neat things to do when it’s your turn to be in charge--will be read aloud every day until all 10 are voted on or until Charlton Heston stands on the Speaker’s desk and hurls the list at Dick Gephardt’s head.

It would be uncharitable to suggest that this is the same list from the last time the Republicans were in charge, back when Betty Crocker was one of America’s best-dressed women and people thought Wonder Bread was health food.

This Contract is a headlong, 100-day death-and-taxes march to the front lines in the war for America. If Congress can order itself by these 10 points of light, so can we. Just as we did in the Big One, the Dream Factory will do our part in this war, too.

We’re Hollywood. We care.

1. GOP: A balanced-budget amendment and line-item veto.

Hollywood: Fire the GAO and Congressional Budget Office and send in Hollywood’s accounting departments. These people can make untold millions appear and disappear.

2. GOP: A crime bill to fund prisons over social programs.

Hollywood: The Fox network--in a move that also reduces the deficit--wins the national bidding war for the rights to televise executions; the nation’s governors pledge to help out, especially during sweeps week.

3. GOP: Real welfare reform.

Hollywood: Pays top dollar for Newt Gingrich’s script for the season opener of “Murphy Brown.” In it, Murphy loses her job when the Japanese buy out her network. When she applies for welfare, she refuses to reveal her son’s father’s identity, and an enterprising caseworker discovers it’s Bill Clinton.

4. GOP: Measures that strengthen parental rights in education and child-support enforcement.

Hollywood: Revives the Hays Office, under football coach Woody Hayes. Ratings system amended so that no one under 35 is admitted into “R” movies unless accompanied by a note from mom or, preferably, by mom herself. Heck, we just won’t make any more R-rated movies--how’s that?

5. GOP: Family tax cuts.

Hollywood: Theaters cut Raisinet prices.

6. GOP: Stronger national defense.

Hollywood: Tax credits go to taxpayers who send in ticket stubs from Rambo movies with their 1040s. Lockheed recalls 10,000 laid-off workers to build aircraft for a new Schwarzenegger-at-war action series.

7. GOP: A rise in the Social Security earnings limit to stop penalizing working seniors.

Hollywood: Studios sign the Ralph Bellamy/Don Ameche “Hand Me My Choppers, Son, There’s a Casting Call” measure and pledge to stop hiring 30-year-old actors in adult-diaper ads.

8. GOP: Job creation and regulatory reform policies.

Hollywood: 500 cable channels, every channel with at least one talk show, every talk show needing a host. Already a hit in Gingrich’s district is the “Bob Nimrod Show”--Thursday’s topic: Fly Rods vs. Casting Rods: Whose Is Bigger?

9. GOP: Legal reforms to stop frivolous lawsuits.

Hollywood: Their lawsuit thrown out of court, Larry and Curly Joe’s heirs take turns twisting the noses of Moe’s heirs in their battle over more than $1 million in Stooge royalties.

10. GOP: A first-ever vote on term limits for Congress.

Hollywood: No more “Star Trek” movies (there weren’t nearly enough stones piled on William Shatner’s grave in that last movie for my liking) and a guarantee that his hairpiece can’t come back as a Tribble.