LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Hillary inviting Newt and his mom for a tour and a meal at the White House: “It’ll be just the three of them--and their food tasters.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on abortion clinic gunman John Salvi III applying for a hairdresser’s license about the same time he applied for a gun permit: “Needless to say the gun license came through first. After all, you need to establish a consistent personal history before they’ll let you wield a comb and scissors in this country.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on L.A.’s “smart” intersections, which are monitored by sensor and video camera to speed up traffic: “Why bother with a camera? With the way traffic moves at rush hour, an oil painting would be just as good.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Michael Eisner’s $7-million bonus for 1994 from Disney: “Know what this means? Just one more good year and his family can afford to stay at the Disneyland Hotel.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on ex-Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders rejoining the University of Arkansas faculty: “She says she wants to teach hands-on courses for students with do-it-yourself attitudes.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that you’ve bought a bad computer:

* Lower corner of the screen has the words “Etch-A-Sketch” on it.

* In order to start it you need jumper cables and a friend’s car.

* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

* Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: “Ain’t it break time, Chester?”

* The manual contains one sentence: “Good Luck!”

* The only chip inside is a Dorito.

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You’ve seen the movie . . . O.J.’s upcoming book:

* He’s writing it under his nom de plume: No. 2268371. (Bob Mills)

* It’s not even out yet and it’s already climbing the New York Times Bestseller List--No. 3 with a knife. (Mills)

* If O.J.’s found guilty, Judge Lance Ito will throw the book at him. First, though, he’ll probably ask him to autograph it. (Tony Peyser)

* His publisher’s other authors have included Herman Wouk and Louisa May Alcott. But they say this may be the best piece of fiction they’ve ever put out. (Ryan)

* It’s already causing controversy. O.J.’s lawyers are threatening to sue any bookstore that puts it under fiction. (Hamilton)

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Rebecca O’Dell of Dallas emerged from her morning shower to find her daughter Erin, 9, in the bathroom with her. While she was drying off, she noticed her daughter was eyeing her chest. As Mom modestly wrapped herself in a towel, Erin left the room and said:

“When I get older, I think I’ll let mine grow.”

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*Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.