LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Newt asking the House Historian to resign after learning that in 1986 she blocked federal funding for a school program on the Holocaust because it didn’t present the Nazi point of view: “For the new House Speaker, it was just another week, another Fuhrer. “

Comedy writer Bob Mills says the note Barbara Bush wrote to Newt’s mom contained six words of advice: “Next time, use a ‘rhymes with’ . . . “

Jay Leno, on the book: “A friend of O.J.’s says that he wrote the book in response to fan mail that he got from kids who believe his story. Actually, just two kids believe his story--Erik and Lyle Menendez.”

Leno, on the death of the man who designed the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile: “Don’t feel sorry, though, he lived his life with relish.”

Thousands cheered at the Maine inaugural gala when Gov. Angus King walked onstage to the Rolling Stones’ classic, “Honky Tonk Women.” But comic Argus Hamilton says that purists were angry: “You’re only supposed to play that song for the President.”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on Albert Einstein’s pipe being sold at auction for $20,000: “The buyer said price is relative, but that’s only a theory.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Hoboken, N.J., wanting to build a Frank Sinatra museum: “Opening day, they expect a mob--the Genovesee family.”

*

Business briefs: Ray, on the news that Seagrams will buy Dole fruit juices for $285 million: “It could have gotten Dole for $200 million, but the coupon expired 12/31/94.”

Ray, on United Parcel Service raising its rates: “UPS officials have set an exact date--some time within the next 10 working days.”

Reader Rebecca Wilcox, on Mattel’s newest doll accessory: “Malibu Barbie Rescue Boat.”

Leno, on the anti-theft device that fills the car with smoke when you start it: “I think we have this already. It’s called a GM pickup truck.”

Humor Files newsletter on the defective Pentium chip: “It’s refreshing to say ‘I didn’t make a mistake, the computer did’ and be right for a change.”

*

Weird science . . . from comedy writer Paul Ryan:

* A study shows that a woman’s breast-feeding isn’t adversely affected by aerobics. It is, however, pretty distracting to guys in the class.

* Researchers want to see if a blood pressure medication can be used as a male contraceptive. What a combination--once you know she’s not pregnant, your blood pressure goes down even more.

*

Laurie Christensen of Santa Monica recently went to Sea World, where she ended the day at the Killer Whale Stadium. Just as the music revved up to let the crowd know that Shamu was ready, an excited boy in front of her turned to his father and asked:

“Hey, Dad, what’s it gonna kill first?”