LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Glub, glub . . . Ways to tell your yard has had enough rain, from comedy writer Buddy Baron:

* Most of your landscaping is on the second floor.

* You keep flag up just to find your mailbox.

* Your dog is stuffing towels in the pet door.

* You’ve set your lawn sprinklers on suck .

* You train your tropical fish to fetch the paper.

Storm drain . . . “There is a good side to the rain. They have pictures of Hollywood Boulevard showing a hooker, a transvestite and a crack dealer all filling sandbags together.” (Jay Leno)

* “Red Cross officials issued a warning for anyone coming here: Unless you’re an expert swimmer, stay away from the deep end of the state.” (Leno)

* “A massive slide trapped dozens of people for hours: Fortunately, cleanup crews worked quickly and got all of Zsa Zsa’s makeup off the street and back on her face.” (Marc A. Holmes)

* “Because of the major flooding in Northern California, it’s no longer just Grateful Dead groupies who are living in trees.” (Baron)

* “A note to my neighbors: Our Earthquake Reunion Party has been canceled due to floods.” (Pat Paulsen)

* “The flooding is so bad, I saw two cars run into each other just to inflate their air bags.” (Paul Ryan)

* “In a magnanimous gesture, The Newt has dispatched 12 cases of laptop computers to aid California flood victims.” (Bill Williams)

* “President Clinton declaring much of California a natural disaster area was his second such proclamation of ’95. The first? When he announced he planned to run for reelection.” (Terry Heath)

* “Judge Lance Ito instructed the jury that if the courtroom floods during the O.J. trial, Kato Kaelin’s head can be use as a flotation device.” (Jenny Church)

*

Also in the news: Comedy writer Ryan, on Camilla Parker Bowles divorcing her husband because, she says, they have nothing in common: “That can easily be solved. All he has to do is run out and sleep with a member of the Royal Family.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on “Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak’s new daughter: “Her name is Maggie Marie. Mom and Dad wanted to name her Maggie Louise, but they couldn’t buy another vowel.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the government and industry identifying 70 new ways to make flying safer: “Among them are new de-icing systems, uniform maintenance procedures and elimination of Seagram’s Pilot of the Month contest.”

Comedy writer Morty Wright, on the President meeting with fire walking infomercial guru Tony Robbins: “Looks like Clinton plans to take the Gingrich crowd over the coals.”

*

L.A. reader Vera Mayper listened as granddaughter Amy announced she would soon be 5 years old. Not to be outdone, her brother Aaron said he was already 3, then asked, “How old are you, Grandma?” Mayper told the kids she was 74, then added: “It doesn’t matter how old you are; it’s how you feel inside that counts.” Aaron thought for a minute, then replied:

“You know, Grandma, inside I feel like I am 6.”