What People Want to Know : COMMITMENTS

What people want to know about a partner’s sexual past varies by age and gender. Here are some common concerns.

Number of partners

Yonni Afman, a senior in high school, said he is entitled to know how many sexual partners his girlfriend has had. “When I asked her, she didn’t give me a straight answer. I hope she hasn’t slept with more than two guys,” added Afman, who lives in Los Olivos.

This is a common concern of younger people, those in their late teens, experts say.

“Young men mostly think that their new partner has had sex with other people, but if they’ve had a lot of sex with a lot of people, it puts them in a category,” said Valerie Gold-Neil, a Laguna Beach psychologist. Our culture is not as judgmental of boys who are sexually experienced, she added.

Kinds of partners

To assess their possible exposure to disease, people want to know the kinds of partners a date has had sex with. One might ask: Have you slept with prostitutes, drug abusers, partners of drug abusers, or bisexuals? What did you know about your sexual partners?

“People want to know what they might be risking,” Gold-Neil said, adding that finding out that a person has herpes or even HIV is no reason to get out of the relationship. “But you want to know these things so you can protect yourself.”

Kinds of relationships

People also want to hear about what past relationships were like so they can learn more about the person, experts say. “What were the problems in the relationship? That answer will give you information about what might not work in this relationship,” Gold-Neil said.

Janice Francois, 36, said when she was dating her husband 13 years ago, she asked about his former relationships to see if there was a pattern for why the relationships failed.

“You’re looking to see if they keep making the same mistake. If they keep falling for the same type of person and it doesn’t work, maybe you’re not the right person either,” added Francois, an interior decorator who lives in Los Angeles.