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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser’s suggested slogan for Honolulu mayor Jeremy Harris, who’s urging the legislature to allow prison terms for prostitutes: “Use a John, Go to the Can.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on reports that Polish agents helped U.S. spies escape from Baghdad during the Gulf War: “Bush forgave 50% of Poland’s $16 billion debt. Poland said thanks, but wants to know what happened to the other third.”

Peyser, on admissibility of 911 calls made by Nicole Simpson to police: “To confuse jurors, the defense plans to release 411 calls she made to information.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the St. Louis Rams: “There’s no way to stop management from moving. The only thing standing in the way is the defensive line.”

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Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the new 24-hour-a-day golf channel: “Their anchor advertising clients are No-Doz and Vivarin.”

The Beverly Prescott Hotel has a new Jerry Garcia suite:

* “The best part about staying there is the brownie they leave on your pillow.” (Paul Ryan)

* “When someone knocks at the door, the toilet automatically flushes your stash.” (Jay Leno)

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* “If you don’t like the decor, eat one of the mints and the place redecorates itself.” (Ryan)

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Steve Ray, on police using new beanbag guns to stop fleeing criminals: “There’s a seven-day ‘cooling off’ period for any Pier 1 Imports purchases.”

Adds comic Jenny Church: “Anyone arrested after being shot will be sentenced to 180 hours of sitting very still between the lamp and the fern.”

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Reader R. Alex Kaseberg, on newly discovered French cave paintings estimated to be 20,000 years old. “They are the earliest depictions ever seen of waiters ignoring tourists.”

Leno, on a new drug said to eliminate pleasurable sensations from alcohol consumption: “That’s not new, we’ve had that for years. It’s Mad Dog 20 20.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on the new wine about to be released as a result of NAFTA: “The wine’s made in California, the cork’s from Canada, the label’s from Mexico and the hangover’s from hell.”

Alan Ray, on Maine’s possible sales tax on Girl Scout cookies: “The tax assessor’s bound to feel the backlash; he’s walking on thin mints.”

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Ryan, on British tabloid reports claiming Prince Chuck had sex with Camilla four times a week: “The guy’s in his 40s. Even Wilt Chamberlain is saying, no way .”

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When Covina reader Vern Machado’s son Dan was in kindergarten, his teacher discussed the concept of yesterday, today and tomorrow. After covering the topics, the teacher asked if anyone could explain tomorrow. Dan excitedly raised his hand and said:

“Tomorrow is when my mother cleans the house.”

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